At the end of last year I volunteered for a project at work. I had no idea how I would build it, or how to even start. But I decided I would do it.
And I’ve completed it. The client finished their user acceptance testing yesterday. There are some parts I would do differently if I had to do it over again. There were difficulties and challenges, and failures too. But even so, it is done.
I have achieved something. I have learnt. I have created.
With the magic of Google (thank you, Google maps), I was able to locate the exact tree under which I sliced the soft skin of my foot, of which I still bear the scar. I was six years old when I was stood on a broken piece of glass, and all I saw and felt was never-ending blood.
I love that the tree is so well maintained, and clearly loved with that bright red ribbon.
If I close my eyes and travel back, I smell banana yoghurt as well as choc chip, I remember ballet lessons, being left out of my 8 year birthday party (all my friends wanting to play with my sister), a red bicycle, and a broken collarbone. I remember wooden floors and happy times. Sitting in the backseat of the car holding a tea towel over my bleeding foot, all the while it was getting soaked.
And the Friday after my birthday we left school early, moved from my home town, away from my best friend (who for some reason must have not been at my party), and to the big lights of the city (Johannesburg). Away from the beautiful tree, and the best school ever. Jenny, David, Angie.
My first full time position was a pretty cool graduate position at IBM. Yes. That IBM. I managed to land this plum position partly because I studied a computer degree and so I qualified for it, and partly because of the interview. I quite confidently assured the executive director (or whatever important title he had), that yes I do have weaknesses, and one being that I am an alcoholic. (What I really meant to say is I am a workaholic).
He was shocked, and so was I. It was awkward. I blushed like a tomato, and above all of this it was funny. No, I am definitely not an alcoholic. No, not me.
And so I got the job. And I started. And I hated it. I did not fit in. I was placed into a business strategy team (or something), and not a technical team. There didn’t seem to be any technical teams, only sales and marketing and business-related stuff. I needed technical.
My mother died suddenly, and so without having anyone to disappoint, I left. I did so without having another job lined up. I didn’t care. I left at the end of July, and on 1 September I started a new job. A job I loved.
For the time it lasted.
So Buddy and Molly are not joining our family, because there is no Buddy or Molly, I was nearly scammed. Fortunately my alarm bells rang soon enough to investigate more, and welcome to the world of pet scamming.
Lessons learnt, and I will be adopting from an animal shelter.
Day 10, I am hoping to stabilize and elevate my daily moods. Am still very despondent, and my mind obsessions are still playing out.
Am not sure how having a stable mood will affect my writing. For years I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, many downs and ‘very downs’, not many very highs, though sometimes I have been ‘okay’. The ‘very downs’ seemed to spark writing in me. But also perhaps contributed to ruminations, and the continual feeding of my unhealthy thought patterns.
This past week I had a small success at work. In amongst all my failures. I sold myself to a client who is needing assistance in another state. They have requested that I assist them from the 1 May. I may have oversold myself. Something that doesn’t happen very often!
And so I’m feeling happy and upbeat. And that is a good (and unusual for me) thing. I was invited to consult to a company in Adelaide for 8 weeks, starting mid-April. Which means. Travel!! Yay, I may even be allowed out of level 4 of the building I work in, and go to Adelaide. And be a specialist in something. Well, normally, I am not feeling like a specialist in anything, so to be a specialist for a few weeks will make me very happy indeed.
Next week our company is having a trivia night. I took up the challenge. And booked a table. *We will submit a team*. By lunch time, all spots were filled. Normally I am feeling like a lone ranger at work. No developers in my team left anymore, blah blah boring, but I organised a team. And not only that, I have ‘The Trivia Queen’ on our side. So bring on the trivia.
And then! For some reason, I got caught without an umbrella. Every day this year I have carried an umbrella, but for some reason not today. And it poured. And I soaked. I was drenched. A drowned rat. But it’s my happy day! Which means a random gentleman waited for me to cross the road and shared his umbrella with me. And escorted me to my car.
But before that. On my way to the eye-test, I passed ex-friend narc (the same old who is the reason for this blog in the first place). Shoulders back, chin up, yo, hold that swagger, girl. And I did. And I smiled. And I am good, thanks!
I was advised to have my eyes tested. Because it’s only been ten years since my last test (in Johannesburg before we left). And because over forty. And eye sight. And eye health. You get the idea.
I took the hint, and had my eyes tested. And I have perfect eyesight, yay! I can see near, far, up, down and side to side. All unaided. I can focus. I can read up close and personal. I can read very, very far away. Just about everywhere, except behind.
Next test in two years 🙂
I wanted to be friends with someone. So I played by the rules. I never criticized. I never made a scene. I held my tongue. I smiled when I should smile. I cried my tears alone. I never lashed out. I accepted ghosting. I accepted bad behavior. And over time, I morphed into a one-dimensional cardboard cut-out.
A paper doll.
Image credit: https://cdn.pixabay.com
For the past year and a half I have been paying for guitar lessons. Not for myself, I might add, rather for my teenager taking lessons. And my investment is being returned. With interest. When he picks up his guitar, I have to stop what I am doing. Stop reading whatever, watching whatever. Just stop and listen. The chords travel right through my soul. Despite all my faults, I’ve added a musician to this world.
My son sure can play the guitar ❤
Last night I stood up a colleague. I had committed to going to an external training event. I had registered, and was all set. We needed to leave 5:30. At 4:30 I managed to get two key engineers on a conference call to complete something. It is for the project I have been working on since January, and this was the last missing piece to tie everything together. And difficult people to get hold of.
At 5:20 my colleague came past my desk. I had my mobile on speaker and my landline on speaker and having a three way conversation. Normally we have technology for such things, but the one person was at a client site and external network in Melbourne, I’m in Sydney, who knows where the other person was, but we were all working on multiple servers via a shared screen on my laptop, taking turns to control 😂
So I couldn’t just get up and leave.
My colleague waited until the last minute and then left. Not very impressed.
An hour later I was done. I jumped in a cab and headed on over. An hour late, but hey, still an hour to go. I couldn’t get past reception. The event is full I was told, and doors closed. But I’ve registered? Sorry, it is full.
So I took a photo of the entrance to prove that I was there, and made my way home.
With an awful sinking feeling.
Poems and Petals 