The thing about parenting is that it is no longer about you. If is no longer about me. Or I. It is about someone else. Someone you may have given birth to, I’ve given birth to, I’ve raised and am responsible to see through to an adult.
My heart rejoiced with the birth of my daughter. I gave her a Rose for her middle name so she would have something she could keep from her mother her whole life. A rose that would never die.
And when your child breaks your heart, all you can do is focus on your child. It is not about you. It is not about me.
How ironic that it would be that my best plans came to naught. That my beautiful daughter who is perfect in every way insists that she is my son. How to cope with knowing that my beautiful Rose is still my child, but no longer my daughter? I don’t know how to cope with it. I don’t know how to parent it.
All I know is that, it’s not about me. And yet, even though knowing this, my heart is still utterly broken.
Back in the day (Jan 2008) I started a new job. My first position in Sydney and on the bus trip in, I spent a moment in reflection. What were my dreams, my goals, my ambition. What did I want to achieve?
I wanted to make friends. I wanted to achieve, and to be noticed and to be acknowledged. I wanted to belong.
I met one of my best friends through that job (a friend of a wife of a colleague). I achieved inasmuch as I could. I belonged to a fair extent. And spent ten years in that position. Before I finally had the courage to admit that I had achieved everything I could, and it was time for change.
This past year has been that time of change. Leaving comfortable environments. Pushing myself. Discovering who I am and what I stand for. Being tested under adversity. How will I react? Will I crumble or will I rise. Do I have what it takes. Can I fight and face my fears.
Today I start again. And my focus has changed. It is not on being noticed and acknowledged and being ‘liked’. My focus is on giving. On creating and producing and achieving. On being the best I can be. To provide my strengths the room to grow, to strengthen, to shine. I’ve discovered talents I never knew I had. I’ve discovered creativity. I have tenacity. I have drive. I have passion.
Whatever may come, whatever time I have left, I will be the best version of myself that I can be.
I will face my fears
Come what may
I will slay each demon
Appearing each day
I will be brave, I will be strong
I will sing the victor’s song!
I will go forth once night is done
And look towards the shining sun
I will catch each ray upon my blade
My trust, my hope will never fade!
To God Be Glory and
I reach my hand to touch your face
And find your face not there
I long to trace your fingertips –
Your hands are nowhere near
I wish to look into your eyes
And meet your soul with mine
Your image haunts my every dream!
I want to shout and scream
Where are you, in this world?
All I have are thoughts
And sweet reminders of the times
We touched and loved and kissed
I hunger now for you, my love
The memories have to fill
That aching void that never goes
It stays with me through all.
We’ve lived a lifetime
You and I
Far above the highest star
Our lives have joined
And meshed and twined
We’ve grown and laughed
And dreamed and dined
Hold my hand oh draw me near
Be close by, forever, dear
I loved you then, I love you still
Our love will bind us, it always will.
All my life I wished for you
On every falling shooting star
Oh I wished and prayed and dreamt
That in my life you’d walk right in
Now here you are, it’s you and me
You have my heart right in your palm
I prayed for you I did and then
You entered in and here you are
My wish and prayer and dreams came true
My dreams came true because of you
My pain is a delicate globe, carefully held between my hands.
I will use it to channel energy, sharpen focus, and to change.
My sorrow is nudging me. Am I listening?
Speak! I am here, my eyes can see, my ears can hear. My soul can feel.
I hear you. I am not afraid.
Sadness open the way! Lead me and I will go.
I have no right to feel as black as I do
I have no right to see no light
When birds sing me awake
After a quiet night
I have no right.