Time

Can I capture time? And preserve it for always. So it doesn’t escape or spoil or merely slip through my fingers. How I long for those days of yore, when children’s laughter filled the home and my heart. When days ahead seemed boundless and never ending. Oh this time is a cruel thing, and so it is. Time heals everything, and yet, it is time that snatches everything in its path as well. A greedy lustful enemy is time.

The Black Dog

The sun is rising

And yet it’s dark

The birds are singing

And still it’s stark

The sky is grey

When it should be blue

l feel I should be happy

But no, I’m like old glue

Yet life should be joyful

I gave so much

Yet the vacuum is imposing

I am my own crutch

The black dog is relentless

So insistent to be pattered

Another day has gone

It’s like it never mattered

(Anonymous Poet)

Heartbreak

The thing about parenting is that it is no longer about you. If is no longer about me. Or I. It is about someone else. Someone you may have given birth to, I’ve given birth to, I’ve raised and am responsible to see through to an adult.

My heart rejoiced with the birth of my daughter. I gave her a Rose for her middle name so she would have something she could keep from her mother her whole life. A rose that would never die.

And when your child breaks your heart, all you can do is focus on your child. It is not about you. It is not about me.

How ironic that it would be that my best plans came to naught. That my beautiful daughter who is perfect in every way insists that she is my son. How to cope with knowing that my beautiful Rose is still my child, but no longer my daughter? I don’t know how to cope with it. I don’t know how to parent it.

All I know is that, it’s not about me. And yet, even though knowing this, my heart is still utterly broken.

A New Start

Back in the day (Jan 2008) I started a new job. My first position in Sydney and on the bus trip in, I spent a moment in reflection. What were my dreams, my goals, my ambition. What did I want to achieve?

I wanted to make friends. I wanted to achieve, and to be noticed and to be acknowledged. I wanted to belong.

I met one of my best friends through that job (a friend of a wife of a colleague). I achieved inasmuch as I could. I belonged to a fair extent. And spent ten years in that position. Before I finally had the courage to admit that I had achieved everything I could, and it was time for change.

This past year has been that time of change. Leaving comfortable environments. Pushing myself. Discovering who I am and what I stand for. Being tested under adversity. How will I react? Will I crumble or will I rise. Do I have what it takes. Can I fight and face my fears.

Today I start again. And my focus has changed. It is not on being noticed and acknowledged and being ‘liked’. My focus is on giving. On creating and producing and achieving. On being the best I can be. To provide my strengths the room to grow, to strengthen, to shine. I’ve discovered talents I never knew I had. I’ve discovered creativity. I have tenacity. I have drive. I have passion.

Whatever may come, whatever time I have left, I will be the best version of myself that I can be.