Sometimes it can feel that everyone is in on a game except for you. Perhaps you feel that you are the weakest link. That you have played as a team but never scored a single goal. That you have spent more of your time stumbling than actually playing.
Perhaps you have not even stumbled but rather fallen. On the ground with legs in air.
What to do if you find yourself in a situation like this. What do you do if you find yourself kissing the ground? Well. This is an awkward position to be in. And let’s not sugarcoat this. It is not flattering. (Yes, we do care). So there is only one thing to do. Kiss the ground right back, put your hands down, and stand up. Don’t forget to dust off! Because being covered in dust (even whilst standing) is not flattering either.
Hands on ground. This is important. Hands on ground anchors you. It helps find solid ground. It restores your bearings, and helps you find your balance.
Quite often, I find myself stumbling. Not quite in the literal sense, but with words. With interactions. With sentences, and communication. How to communicate effectively? How to interact effectively? How to respond when I have no words? How to speak with authority?
As much preparation as I feel I can do, it still never feels enough. There is still a “gotcha” lying in wait, waiting to trip me up. And I trip often. But, and here’s the thing, I will not be defeated. Hands on ground, dust off, stand up, step forward.
I will not be defeated. In every battle I face, I will be brave. I will overcome. I will be defined not by my failures, but my tenacity. My Passion. My Strength.
Never standing still.
Living in harmony.
Bad impromptu decision making vonita-style, sourced two on-the-day tickets to Adele in Sydney, no babysitter at such short notice, changed other plans, spare ticket to go, so my eleven-year old and myself are on our way to Adele Live Sydney, here we come!
As a pet time-filler, I decided to follow Trump on twitter and read some of his tweets.
What astounds me is how utterly mean-spirited he is. It is very important that he is bigger, better, best (even when he is not), and everyone else is dirt. Unless of course they follow him, adore him, and do what he says. There are no words of encouragement, no trying to lift people up, just put down as hard as he can and glorify his horrid, despicable self.
Question is, how is such a personality created? Are they born with same. Is it parenting. Life situations?
In days past, whenever I have asked for God’s help and help has appeared, it has always been an ‘effortless’ help.
Everything has just fallen so easily into place. Moving countries was effortless. Sure I had my part to play, had to pack everything up, and get organized, but the whole process was effortless. Work appeared, houses appeared, all the help we needed when we needed it, appeared. There was no struggle. There was no resistance.
The same when I met my husband. I prayed and prayed to meet one person in the world that would love me. And when it happened, it was effortless. I didn’t have to fight and scream and go through turmoil, it was just easy and peaceful. And effortless.
For a few years I have been feeling unsettled inside. Not knowing where to go or what to do. I have failed miserably at a few things I have attempted, had my self-esteem and confidence destroyed, and felt hopeless and even worthless.
But I realize, with God’s help the change that I need will happen, and it will happen effortlessly. I won’t need to jump through hoops, perform all manner of party tricks, or sell my soul for something to happen. It will just be. In God’s perfect time and way, and when it happens, it whatever way it manifests, I will be willing.
I cannot say I am big on plans. My personality is way too passive for plan-making. Usually I just drift along, waiting for life to happen, and hoping (and praying) for the best. Generally it has worked okay for me. It has given me my not-too-shabby life, but not an-overly-exciting life either. Just a bit of a comfort-zone-type of life. With poetry (and writing in general) being my very-much-needed outlet (yay for poetry). I digress. Sometimes, plans are good.
In their place. Because you know what they say about plans. (Actually, what do they say about plans? BRB, Google is my friend). Got it, this is what they say about plans:
Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.
Well, atm I am busy making plans. Oh, there is something else they say about plans:
Plans are nothing, planning is everything.
So this is getting a bit deep. What I really want to say is this.
Sometimes we really need a plan. Or at least I really need a plan. Something tangible I can obsess about. Keep me up at night. Distract me. And I have a plan(!).
Because everyone at some point in their lives needs a plan (my quote, you’re welcome)
I signed up for a Udemy course (yay Udemy, yay Max Schwarzmuller, yay Angular2). About 18 hours of knockout material to keep me busy, learning, upskilling, and generally being distracted. Of course 18 hours will be morphing into about 180, but sometimes needs must. And then we will make further plans from there. Or at least start knocking on doors. And hoping for doors to open. Not just any windows or doors. The right doors. To open. Right doors are key!
I went on an interview once. It was our first year of marriage and we were on vacation in the U.K. A friend of mine managed to secure for me an interview at a British-based firm. One thing about me. I can always get the job done. But sometimes I need external sources. Use what I can with what I have. Google. Books. Peers. Whatever. That’s what resources are there for. To be used. Because resources.
This particular interview went particularly bad. Perhaps, in a way, they were trying to sift the English-speakers from the not-so-English speakers. Because I had to do a test. And one of the questions was, explain a paper clip. Now, I could see the paper clip in my mind, I could see how it should be used, but for the life of me, I could not at the time figure out how, even in my native language, to explain a paper clip? Words failed. Completely. A thin piece of wire twisted and turned and coiled to hold paper together? Nah, nope, not happening.
Next question. What is the value of pi. Omigosh! I learnt math at school and was good at it, but that was many years ago, and right now, right here, on vacation, without google (in fact, this was pre-google days) I could not think of the correct value of pi. 22 divide by 7? And approximate to something? Words fail.
So it is with great pleasure that my son is able to recite pi correctly to the 120th decimal point. Winning the class competition and chocolates to do so. It might be a small achievement. But at least for a mother who failed miserably at some random interview test (thereby not getting the job or opportunity to move to the UK), there is a son who definitely knows his pi.
I have been struggling with envy the past few weeks. It is the easiest thing to fall into. There will always be someone who has more than we have naturally. We do not even have to look very far to find someone who will have more than we have. Sometimes it is not even natural things that they may have more of, sometimes it can be who they are. More leadership qualities, more energy, more friends, more personality.
Any of these things, if we feel we are lacking in certain areas, may easily cause us to become envious.
Envy is hard to overcome. It can be hard to overlook those trigger points, and get to a place where we can honestly say we are not envious.
Envy is the complete opposite of contentment. We can never be envious And be content at the same time. They are two extremes. At the one end desiring something we do not have, and at the other end, being completely satisfied with what we Do have. And we all have. We are all alive. We are all breathing. While we are alive, we have.
So my goal for tomorrow is to pray for contentment. If, impossible in my own strength, then to God be the glory. Through Christ we can be content. Keep our eyes on the one true living God, for therein lies our peace.