Tag personal

Perils of Facebook

Vonita 10 Comments

Yesterday I woke up on a hot summer day, very sunny, feeling low on serotonin and generally needing a pick-me-up. I was kid-sitting four kids and studying for a Java 8 exam, 700 pages of technical speak, because I’m a nerd and have nothing better to do with my time. And being technically weak I need all the help I can get. (So go and study 700 pages as punishment and then do the exam and pass).

Something about me. I love being around people. I’m not always loving one-on-one-being-under-pressure-to-make-scintillating-conversation company, but I love to be in a group. Something else, I hate being left out, I’m a classic FOMO (fear of missing out).

This morning I saw on fb a post of one of my besties on a Sunday picnic yesterday with others I know. I was not included. I hate that Fb has to advertise people’s private personal events in my face. I hate that I was not included and spent a boring day indulging in ice-cream and being a nerd.

Sometimes there are things I’d rather not know about.

The Morning After

Vonita 7 Comments

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To all my friends feeling pain at the moment, near or far. 

Same Old

Vonita 9 Comments

I’ve been stuck in the same old energy for many years. Many years of dreaming, wishing, praying, wanting. It is getting old. I need to change. I need a change. I need to heal. But how? Where to even start? 

Life-Changer

Vonita 3 Comments

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Today I came across a man wearing a thick heavy silver chain necklace. In the instant that I noticed it, I was reminded of an old manager of mine. He offered me a job when I was 22, and had recently lost my mother. He used to wear a thick gold bracelet. It stood out in my mind quite significantly. It was a random observation though. What stands out more for me was that he was very kind to me.

My very first job was as a graduate at IBM. I hated it. As soon as my mother passed away I gave myself permission to leave. I left without having anothe job lined up, and I didn’t care. During my first week of unemployment I started with temp office work. By the third week in I was bored. And so I went on a few coding interviews.

On the Friday afternoon I received a phone call. The job offer was mine! And I was being offered a higher salary than I had been earning at IBM. Win! I started on the 1 Sept 1996, exactly one month after leaving IBM.

I loved that job. I was part of a team. I belonged. It was wonderful. The work was interesting, as well as challenging too. Our team was disbanded twenty months later. But for that short time, it was a life-changer.

Pictured above, sitting on the right. My manager was second from the left. I was happy when that photo was taken.

Girl Power

Vonita 16 Comments

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Sometimes we girls need friends. Some girl power to lift us up, and remind us we are loved. Today I spent a couple of hours with one of my girlfriends. I arrived with a sore heart. Only to find that it was uplifted and encouraged. We enjoyed the sun, the scenery, the coffee, the lunch, the company, each other, and celebrating the fact that we are girls. No, not girls. We are Women. Mothers. Wives. Friends.

We are passionate. And we are awesome. 🙂

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/passionate/

Flying Free

Vonita 17 Comments

Sometimes I wish I could escape feelings. Or at least have a remote to control them. Set mood on automatic happiness level 9.8, maybe a happiness level of a complete 10 might be a bit OTT. 

Everyday I am conscious of all the goodness around me. All the lack of suffering I have not had to endure because of circumstances of birth, combined with a touch of good fortune, tenacity and hard work. And yet, my mood is still low. Counting my blessings and being aware, but still having a sinking feeling inside of me, a feeling of sadness combined with anxiety and wistful thinking. Expectations of what we deserve in this life. Comparisons of others without knowing the whole story, not seeing the whole picture. 

While we breathe we are tied to this physical realm. Our bodies need resources to survive. Love and affection and touch. One day I believe, my soul will fly free. Free of this earthly bind. Free of needing food, water, sleep, education, competition, needing to do this, needing to do that. Just being free. And feeling love. Hopefully, perhaps, it will be.

Strength for Today

Vonita 18 Comments

Every so often I have a conversation with someone – a friend, acquaintance, whatever, that leaves me feeling somewhat like “what just happened there”. Usually it is because of my own poor conversational skills. Either being way too self-absorbed, or just plain old negative, and who wants to listen to that?

A few days ago I watched the second Bridget Jones instalment “The Edge of Reason”. At one point she finds herself in a Thai prison surrounded by a prison cell full of female prisoners. The conversation inevitably turned to the subject of partners and their personal experiences. Being beaten, abused etc. She tried to add to the conversation, but her own ex-partner’s failings fell a bit short. He folds his underwear before he goes to sleep. Well, she couldn’t finish her sentence because she realized how lame it sounded. She needed the terrible circumstances of those around her to see things in perspective.

This morning I shared my anxiety over some aspect of my life. My friend said to me, in nine years of being in Sydney, this has not happened to you as yet. True, it hasn’t. She offered the following advice. Today you do not have to solve anything. Just enjoy your circumstances as they are, and if at some point they change for the worst, then  you have reached the time to deal with it.

Shopping

Vonita 27 Comments

Yesterday I had an interesting experience. My son had a pupil-free day, which means he had a day off school. On a Monday, which means I had company. We went shopping. For a pokemon-go voucher. On our way back to the car, I spotted a dress on display, and decided to try it on. The sales assistant did a very good job, and persuaded me to try on two (discount off second purchase). Being protected by seven-day return policy I bought both. Yay, summer!

And then.

Third-degree from my son. How many dresses did I buy? How much did they cost? What about the clothes I wore last week? Those are for winter, I replied. But what about my summer clothes? Those are old season. He wears old season, what’s wrong with mine? Why did I buy something I don’t need. Wow, what is this all about, I eventually had to ask.

Turns out he’s been saving all his pocket money for a new game and is $30 short. And then horror of all horrors, I just walked into a store and bought not one, but two dresses I don’t even need!

Hmm. My husband’s two cents worth afterwards – I was being evaluated by my twelve-year old, and I failed!

Youth

Vonita 8 Comments

There are a few things I would do differently if I could relive my youth. If only I could turn back the clock haha, okay so here’s my list:

  • Wear sun block daily (I never wore sun block at all)
  • Stop sugar in my tea (only managed to stop table sugar at 26)
  • Save myself skin problems by not drinking coca-cola
  • Have orthodontics completed sooner (not in my thirties)

That’s it, can’t think of anything else. Just to say I had no style back then. Not to say that I’m a style fashionista currently, but I have discovered Guess jeans and they fit quite well. I spent my early-mid twenties wishing and praying for a partner and children. My father and his then new wife invited me for dinner one evening. After we were all seated, three of us, yay, I discovered the true intention of the invite. It was suggested to me that if I wanted to find myself a husband perhaps I should spruce myself up a bit. Nothing wrong with a bit of makeup and some style. Show some cleavage baby. Yeeeha! Actually, looking back and seeing some photos of me back then, I get their point.

Anyway, after three long single years I met my husband, married within nine months, and had two children. They are now getting big and passed the ‘needing mom’ stage, now we are at the ‘can I have money please’ stage.

And I am never going to be the most ‘funky’ person, or have the largest circle of friends, but I do have my few friends, and am thankful for them. And nowadays I write a blog. And poetry. Yay for poetry!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/youth/

Feeling Inadequate

Vonita 28 Comments

We all have pressure points, soft spots, triggers that invoke feelings within us. This past week I have been having a few of my pressure points being pushed, invoking a sense of sadness within me. Feelings of inadequacy. Lowering my mood, and preventing peace. Today I went and sat at the harbor and just allowed myself to be still. To honor those feelings within that sadden me. I listened to a busker playing his guitar. Allowed the notes to flow through me. It felt so therapeutic. Just to be in the moment, and to be.