Long term readers of my blog will know that I have suffered migraines for many years. I have been getting headaches and / or migraines every single month for at least the past twenty years or so (except during my two full-term pregnancies).
But for the past two months I have had no migraines at my regular time. I started light anti-depressant medication towards the end of March. So far I have not missed a day.
So I can see from my personal experience, that there does seem to be a link between depression and migraines. Even insofar that they can perhaps be treated by the same medication.
I feel like I have been given a new life. I am feeling positive. I am obsessing less. I feel strong enough to make career decisions.
On the downside, my poetry is diminishing. It is evaporating from my mind. I put this down to my decrease in obsession. My mind is ruminating less, and therefore less poetry.
However, I see this as a positive thing!
So my ex-friend whom I have been mourning for most of this year, not even having wished me a happy new year yet and it is already the first day of march, popped up this morning on mobile before the bells of seven am sounded, “sorry so early, left something at home can I please collect and take to the office”?
Phone on silent, yay. Too late!
Memories are made up of times and places. People and faces. Gifts and giving.
I think back to a few of my Christmas’s and can recall where I spent them and with whom. Also marked by a few significant gifts received.
Here are a few that come to mind!
Aged 4 – Receiving my first-love doll (from my paternal grandparents)
Aged 5 – Old-fashioned radio from Santa
Aged 6- Red bicycle with a coin taped on it’s seat (it got stolen later on)
Aged 9 – Puzzle from my aunt in a triangle box
Aged 10 – Walkmans with boney m
Aged 13 – chocolate boxes from grandparents, and George Michael singing you’ve got to have Faith
Aged 20 – Receiving a necklace and mug from my polish boyfriend that now holds all our leftover coins (the year I was so in love, bless him) (also stolen)
Aged 22 – Gold cross from my father, the year my mother passed away (stolen)
Aged 36 – a silver necklace from my husband, the only piece of jewelry gifted to me from him (apart from my wedding rings)
Aged 37 – Pandora necklace from my sister, the year she spent Christmas in Sydney with us
Aged 41 – Book I’m still busy reading, All the light we cannot see
Our company had an awards ceremony this afternoon.
Great celebration of all the fantastic work everyone has done. Recognition of effort. It is wonderful.
In nine years, I have never won anything. Always looking on. I hate to admit, but I always feel a pang. Feeling so happy for my colleagues, but that human nature craves it too. To be recognized. And then I realized, every day, I receive so many kind, thoughtful words of encouragement, friendship, love. From all my friends and readers I have met here on WordPress. None of whom I have met in person, but connected in spirit.
It means so much to me. Thank you! 😊
One of my early memories was being in preschool, and on a few days my teacher would be absent. On those days we had to go to the classroom next door. I hated it. I hated being there, and I hated not being with my teacher. I get attached to people.
Today I had to say goodbye to a close colleague. She came in, handed in her resignation and work equipment, and left this afternoon. She helped me with a few things this year. Sitting next to me, and it was comforting to have her there. I feel saddened. Bad news to end the year.
Lead to dead paths
So I am closing all those doors
That keep me from being free
I have faith that
A vibrant door
Will open and
Well, I’m not doing a very good job at fighting it. Always seem to wake up in a low mood, and stay in a low mood. I miss people and interaction. Extended family. My sister, nieces, my mother-in-law who passed but I still miss chatting to her, school friends, old friends who have moved away.
I used to love visiting my mother-in-law and staying the night. She was very easy to chat to. I used to wonder who will I chat to when she is no longer here.
I feel jealousy over a friend who moved to Sydney, and automatically included in a few social circles. My longing for social interaction is so strong. My low moods and awkward social skills probably don’t help. I have bad habits. Like staring at people, sometimes I fixate on something, and don’t realize I’m staring at that person. It happened the other day at the office. There were two people chatting beside me and I looked over at one of them. I didn’t realize I was staring until she called me out on it. I’m sorry, she said, are we talking too loud? Um, no. I turned back to my computer.
Anyway, I guess it is the season where many people feel some loss.
People are different. This is a good thing. There are some in my extended circle who are very closed. Well, a few people like that. You try and engage in a conversation, and it is like trying to draw water from a stone. Something like this:
Hi, how are you, my angel?
I’m fine thanks, and yourself?
Good thanks, how is work / school / life?
Okay, I love you
I love you too
That’s it. Can’t extract more out of a conversation than that.
Well, I always thought it was me. Perhaps I should think of more exciting opening lines.
Others appear on the scene, courtesy birthdays and little people appearing out of nothing, and the conversations are totally different:
Hello, aunty Vonnie!
Hello my angel, how are you?
I’m good thanks, I passed my year, and my best subject was art, and here is me just taken now, and …
I miss you and love you lots xxxx
I miss and love you too my darling 😍
And then I realized
I never had to think up any opening line.
For the past while I’ve been struggling with the idea of change. How to make a change. What change to make. How to open the right doors. Where to go. All of my attempts have failed. It has been distressing for me, and disheartening. My self-esteem has been low. My mood has been low. And then I realized this afternoon:
Change doesn’t have to be hard
I changed my life, my country, my job, my future all in one go, and the big thing at the time was:
It all fell into place
I didn’t have to jump through hoops, or do party tricks, or sell myself unnaturally, or bang my head against brick walls. I just allowed it to happen, and did what I needed to do when it needed to be done. It all worked out perfectly. A better country opened for my family and I, work opportunities, a new home, new friends, and it all resolved peacefully.
The world is filled with color. Embrace the color, and when change happens, embrace it. Trust in God to change our lives for the better. We are held in safe hands. We are safe.
Yesterday I woke up on a hot summer day, very sunny, feeling low on serotonin and generally needing a pick-me-up. I was kid-sitting four kids and studying for a Java 8 exam, 700 pages of technical speak, because I’m a nerd and have nothing better to do with my time. And being technically weak I need all the help I can get. (So go and study 700 pages as punishment and then do the exam and pass).
Something about me. I love being around people. I’m not always loving one-on-one-being-under-pressure-to-make-scintillating-conversation company, but I love to be in a group. Something else, I hate being left out, I’m a classic FOMO (fear of missing out).
This morning I saw on fb a post of one of my besties on a Sunday picnic yesterday with others I know. I was not included. I hate that Fb has to advertise people’s private personal events in my face. I hate that I was not included and spent a boring day indulging in ice-cream and being a nerd.
Sometimes there are things I’d rather not know about.