I spent most of last week obsessing. Wishing for a new personality. Wishing I am not the person I am. Why do I not have leadership qualities. Why am I constantly overlooked. Why do I lack self-confidence. Why do I not make friends easily. Why this. Why that. Why blah.
Until I realized. I am. There are people that accept me. There are those that love me. I cannot be anyone, but me. I am not perfect. And neither is anyone! Or as a kind friend mentioned, we are all perfect. Different. And perfect.
My mother never made it to fifty. She passed a few days before she turned 45. I am not there yet, but will be soon (a few short years). What would I do differently if I only had till then? I guess a big thing is, I would stop sweating the small stuff. Being discontent. Just enjoy each day. Be kinder and less self-absorbed.
And if I am spared to see fifty, I will plan a holiday. And then enjoy it!
I will not forsake
Or jeopardize
Our vows of love
Sweet union
Two candles once –
Our separate lives
Became one flame
Forevermore
There are a few things I would do differently if I could relive my youth. If only I could turn back the clock haha, okay so here’s my list:
That’s it, can’t think of anything else. Just to say I had no style back then. Not to say that I’m a style fashionista currently, but I have discovered Guess jeans and they fit quite well. I spent my early-mid twenties wishing and praying for a partner and children. My father and his then new wife invited me for dinner one evening. After we were all seated, three of us, yay, I discovered the true intention of the invite. It was suggested to me that if I wanted to find myself a husband perhaps I should spruce myself up a bit. Nothing wrong with a bit of makeup and some style. Show some cleavage baby. Yeeeha! Actually, looking back and seeing some photos of me back then, I get their point.
Anyway, after three long single years I met my husband, married within nine months, and had two children. They are now getting big and passed the ‘needing mom’ stage, now we are at the ‘can I have money please’ stage.
And I am never going to be the most ‘funky’ person, or have the largest circle of friends, but I do have my few friends, and am thankful for them. And nowadays I write a blog. And poetry. Yay for poetry!
All my life
I waited
Not knowing who
I was waiting for
Out of nowhere
You appeared
And then I knew
All this time
I was waiting
For you
Aqua eyes
If I wear green, my eyes are too
Hints of brown, trying to break through
Other days my eyes are blue
Window of the soul we are told
Reflecting all that we would be within
In all my anxiety and fear
Self-loathing when it does appear
I take the time, just a minute or two
To re-acquaint with those eyes of mine
I view my eyes from outside me
And start to feel some empathy
For there is a soul behind those eyes
Soul in pain at times, and agony
I want to heal, I want to pray
Be at peace, have love for company
If world be black, and only white
With solitary item in its starting hue
One request, this I plead!
Please leave my eyes, with their aqua blue
We all have pressure points, soft spots, triggers that invoke feelings within us. This past week I have been having a few of my pressure points being pushed, invoking a sense of sadness within me. Feelings of inadequacy. Lowering my mood, and preventing peace. Today I went and sat at the harbor and just allowed myself to be still. To honor those feelings within that sadden me. I listened to a busker playing his guitar. Allowed the notes to flow through me. It felt so therapeutic. Just to be in the moment, and to be.
Expectations of
Sunny skies
Friends
Work
Love
Joys of this world
Plunders from
The pleasures of
Wind on the skin
Stillness within
Peace of the spirit
The touch of God
Awareness of
Being alive –
The very next breath
The touch of your hand
The brush of your lips
Strong masculine scent
Fingertip caresses
Across my naked skin
Teasing me
Tormenting me –
Makes me crave you
More and more
And in this moment
I need you
The ghost of you
Invades my thoughts
And makes me ask the question
Why?
