Finding Peace

Vonita

My moods have been up and down lately. Trying to talk myself into a better space, but always fighting this inner discontent. Have no idea how to fix it. I went to the cinema with my BFF this morning, we watched BoyChoir, I really loved the music. We had lunch with her mum. It was lovely. But as soon as I was alone, it all came tumbling back. My discord, disharmony, my struggle with life. What will make me happy? Is it really about happiness? Or an inner contentment, a spiritual peace? I seem to have none of these.

Very thankful for all the kind souls who have reached out, and left a kind word. Even written poems. From all different parts of the world, and varying life stories. We all have our own journey to walk. I am so blessed in many ways, it feels unthankful to have this feeling inside of me. This feeling I cannot seem to shake. It is there when I go to sleep, and when I wake up. When I live my day, when I am busy, and when I am still. Even now as I go about my daily tasks (work-free Monday), I cannot shake it off. And I have no more poetry! I cannot write another poem on ups and downs, and my roller coaster life.

And the worst part is, a caring friend asked me today — Vonita, what will make you happy? I have no idea! (A new life? No life? A new profession? Work? No work?) My moods were stable when I was on a four-month break. I was a different person. Content, happy, doing pilates, writing, photo challenges, focus-on-family. Now I have strife, turmoil, anxiety, stress, lack of time, focus-off-family, chaos.

My answer to what will make me happy? I have no idea. Write about it until I am dead in the grave. Pray. Get on my knees, and pray for contentment. A spiritual peace is not always about being happy.

Maybe I will put the poetry aside for awhile, and free write?

❤

23 thoughts on “Finding Peace”

  2. Your life changed dramatically since you are back at work. I guess this all simply occurs because you don’t want to be where you are! Perhaps this is not the job you really want after scheduling your day after your needs. So perhaps a different job or activity would do it more for you. I could never go back in my old job again. Never! So first think of what would you like to do and then make steps towards it. Or you simply need to get used to the new situation in your life and be aware of it – then consciously change your attitude. Just some thoughts, Vonita.

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    1. Thanks Erika. I was really happy being at home, BUT, I knew I had a job to go back to and the opportunity to pay my bills. So it may have been different if I did not have that surety. I can’t think of what other job or activity I could rather be doing that could earn me money. There is a 10 week evening course I would like to attend from 23 June, so am planning on doing that. Also being aware of my attitude, and getting control over it, it is no fun being down continuously, and feeling out of control ❤ Thank you so much for your care!

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      1. I totally see! The worst part is that you know you don’t want the current situation but don’t now an alternative. That makes kind of helpless. But I am very sure that right this will make you get ideas of what you could do or even lead you towards new opportunities. You are alreday keeping your eyes open and attend a course which might be inspiring and make you meet other people which might be important. You never know… It will come for sure and by then you at least have a job until you found the place you wanna settle.

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  3. You are on a valuable journey. I’m sure you’ll come out of it having found your ‘thing’ in life. Reading Eckhart Tolls helps me sometimes, but it’s a difficult endeavor in itself. Best done after a little calm is achieved. Take a deep breath!

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  4. Big hug…and I feel for your turmoil. No matter how many folk say they have experienced chaos, hardship, seeming insanity when all around makes no sense and you feel sucked up into the midst of it, it is hard, tough, this journey that ultimately we all must make on our own and try and keep our head above water. Saying that I have experienced, bankruptcy, homelessness, bringing up 6 children and an ex husband with an addiction…does not help you, but one thing I can say is…never give up, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. It was when I was at my lowest ebb, it could not have got darker, that I stopped trying so hard and handed it all over to a Higher Power that be. I have nothing to prove to anyone else in this world but myself…to be true to ME. Life is not just a bed of roses, Ying and Yang…both extremes happen. I think contentment is remaining steady and grounded in all situations…a kind of spiritual, inner peace where you see beyond this earthly illusion, and you certainly do not take anything too seriously. There is much to be said about “Going with the flow…” Free writing sounds great, Vonita…it may just help free and untangle some of your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes major changes are necessary, hard though they might be to carry out…Eckhart Tolle says…there are 3 things you can do in any situation…1.Do something about it, 2. Accept it as it is, 3. Move away from it. Often folk will do none of those 3, but sit in mental turmoil complaining about things…this is insanity. Lots of that going on in the Human Species at the moment. Animals must think we are mad!

    Take good care and know you are not alone…x

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    1. Thank you, I am not even dealing with homelessness (where did you live?), and bankruptcy and all those things! That is why it feels so unthankful. But an indication that I need to find my peace again, and make the changes that will help me there. Maybe it is a matter of more time in prayer. I feel exactly like you say, sitting in mental turmoil, writing poetry and getting nowhere. Maybe free write will direct my thoughts somewhat, I may need to direct some of it into a private journal! Thank you so much for your words! ❤ xx

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      1. I lived in a homeless unit for 3 months until the State gave me a council house. NEVER ever feel unthankful…your situation is unique to you alone…no judgement. Have you read the Power of Now by Eckart Tolle? You can find him on You Tube also…he speaks with much wisdom…At the end of the day, quiet gentle time and yes maybe a private journal just for your own inner thoughts might help…and above all, Be kind to yourself. This is all part of the course…it will all work itself out, you will see…be patient, give it time. Take care and you are welcome. X

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  6. I wish you well as you seek health and happiness. Reaching out like you did is a great first step. For me, what works is getting out of my ordinary environment a little…mixing it up… and just going for a walk to a new place or visiting something you haven’t before…a museum, a small town close by or even a new cafe. It brings some new light into your life and your thoughts begin to wander and maybe some answers will reveal themselves. Exercise, nature, explore, read and write whatever you want…. just a few ideas to break from the pattern of thinking and getting stuck in a rut that doesn’t feel like “you”. Cheryl

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  7. When it all seems forced, it’s time to relax. Lack of enjoyment in anything you do means you should be doing something else. Find the common factor to all your strife and eradicate it from your life. Easier said than done. But you have to try. At the very least, include your husband and family in the conversation. Hugs.

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