On Being Envious and Content

I have been struggling with envy the past few weeks. It is the easiest thing to fall into. There will always be someone who has more than we have naturally. We do not even have to look very far to find someone who will have more than we have. Sometimes it is not even natural things that they may have more of, sometimes it can be who they are. More leadership qualities, more energy, more friends, more personality.

Any of these things, if we feel we are lacking in certain areas, may easily cause us to become envious.

Envy is hard to overcome. It can be hard to overlook those trigger points, and get to a place where we can honestly say we are not envious. 

Envy is the complete opposite of contentment. We can never be envious And be content at the same time. They are two extremes. At the one end desiring something we do not have, and at the other end, being completely satisfied with what we Do have. And we all have. We are all alive. We are all breathing. While we are alive, we have.

So my goal for tomorrow is to pray for contentment. If, impossible in my own strength, then to God be the glory. Through Christ we can be content. Keep our eyes on the one true living God, for therein lies our peace.  

His Child

I’ve been struggling with contentment

It has alluded me

 I am trying

But I am not content

I am resentful

And despondent

This evening I received a gift

Encouragement from a friend

An unexpected message about being content

A much needed message

It just popped out, she said

And I know 

And I believe

It is God speaking to me

Because He knows

He understands

He feels my pain 

And He still loves me

He is a living God

And I am His child.

Finding Peace

My moods have been up and down lately. Trying to talk myself into a better space, but always fighting this inner discontent. Have no idea how to fix it. I went to the cinema with my BFF this morning, we watched BoyChoir, I really loved the music. We had lunch with her mum. It was lovely. But as soon as I was alone, it all came tumbling back. My discord, disharmony, my struggle with life. What will make me happy? Is it really about happiness? Or an inner contentment, a spiritual peace? I seem to have none of these.

Very thankful for all the kind souls who have reached out, and left a kind word. Even written poems. From all different parts of the world, and varying life stories. We all have our own journey to walk. I am so blessed in many ways, it feels unthankful to have this feeling inside of me. This feeling I cannot seem to shake. It is there when I go to sleep, and when I wake up. When I live my day, when I am busy, and when I am still. Even now as I go about my daily tasks (work-free Monday), I cannot shake it off. And I have no more poetry! I cannot write another poem on ups and downs, and my roller coaster life.

And the worst part is, a caring friend asked me today — Vonita, what will make you happy? I have no idea! (A new life? No life? A new profession? Work? No work?) My moods were stable when I was on a four-month break. I was a different person. Content, happy, doing pilates, writing, photo challenges, focus-on-family. Now I have strife, turmoil, anxiety, stress, lack of time, focus-off-family, chaos.

My answer to what will make me happy? I have no idea. Write about it until I am dead in the grave. Pray. Get on my knees, and pray for contentment. A spiritual peace is not always about being happy.

Maybe I will put the poetry aside for awhile, and free write?