A Sinking Feeling

March 17, 2017March 17, 2017Vonita 2 Comments

Last night I stood up a colleague. I had committed to going to an external training event. I had registered, and was all set. We needed to leave 5:30. At 4:30 I managed to get two key engineers on a conference call to complete something. It is for the project I have been working on since January, and this was the last missing piece to tie everything together. And difficult people to get hold of.

At 5:20 my colleague came past my desk. I had my mobile on speaker and my landline on speaker and having a three way conversation. Normally we have technology for such things, but the one person was at a client site and external network in Melbourne, I’m in Sydney, who knows where the other person was, but we were all working on multiple servers via a shared screen on my laptop, taking turns to control 😂

So I couldn’t just get up and leave.

My colleague waited until the last minute and then left. Not very impressed.

An hour later I was done. I jumped in a cab and headed on over. An hour late, but hey, still an hour to go. I couldn’t get past reception. The event is full I was told, and doors closed. But I’ve registered? Sorry, it is full.

So I took a photo of the entrance to prove that I was there, and made my way home.

With an awful sinking feeling.

Girls Night Out

March 16, 2017Vonita 2 Comments

One of my resolutions for this year is to be more friendly, and make more friends. And try to have some fun. Because we love fun 😭 oh no I hate that saying, it brings back memories. Bittersweet. (I miss him. 😭 Now it’s only me left in the we 😭).

I digress.

So this coming Wednesday bestie and I are Girls Night Out. Yay Chicks at the Flicks, yay Beauty and the Beast, yay Fun, yay Us!

On not being a project manager

March 16, 2017Vonita 5 Comments

I often wished I could be a project manager. Project managers have options. They can grow their careers. Move into general management. Become senior managers. Portfolio managers.

But today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why I could never be, and why I am not a project manager. I hate asking people to do things. And waiting for them to do it. And following up.

It is a fear-based thing. Today I had to follow up something with someone. And the feeling it invoked in me. I was back to a child again having to ask an elder for something. And fearing the rebuke. Not wanting to nag. Impose. Having to rely on someone.

I don’t ask for my lawn to be mowed. I pay someone to do it. I pay for handyman services.

At least now I understand why.

When all else fails

March 15, 2017March 15, 2017Vonita 4 Comments

Today I thought about you for half a second

Then I ate a choc-chip cookie

And felt much better

Grotesquely Excited!

March 15, 2017Vonita 15 Comments

Today I connected on social media with an old colleague from early in my career. We haven’t spoken since early 2000. I was single in those days, and living in Johannesburg. He has wondered how life has treated me through the years. This is someone I worked closely with every day for two years, and traveled to the U.K. together with on training. Somewhat like a work husband 😂

I spoke about my four day job (yay!), and how it was fate that I got my current role. The company started off as a South African company, and is now a top global IT company. I worked for them in South Africa as well.

I was thinking on this positive conversation when I arrived home. That’s strange, I thought, walking into the kitchen, and finding post with my name on it. Who could that be from?

Our NSW branch manager, that’s who! Grotesquely excited to congratulate me on my work anniversary. Woo hooo!!!

How awesome is that? No, really!

Six Months

March 15, 2017Vonita 24 Comments

It took me six months to overcome my ‘sugar-in-tea’ addiction. I had tried before, but I hated the taste of unsweetened tea. Several attempts of cutting the sugar failed. Until one day I went cold turkey. I just decided. I’m doing it. Quitting the sugar. I craved it. I pleaded with myself. Please can I have sugar in my tea? Please?? No. I really want sugar. No.

After six months, unsweetened tea and coffee tasted normal. That was sixteen years ago. Now I cannot drink sweetened tea or coffee. It makes me want to gag.

In December I went cold turkey. I will overcome my latest addiction. I have cried and whined and hated myself and been through the rough. I figure I have another three months to go. I feel stronger than I did in January. Mid-February. I am still not there yet. But stronger. The energies will change. Worlds will shift.

I did such a great job of cutting ties that the choice is no longer mine. There is nothing I can run back to. Even if I beg and plead and stand on my head.

Acceptance is the big new word.

Three more months.

In Memory

March 14, 2017Vonita 18 Comments

My grandfather

Teenager

March 14, 2017Vonita 27 Comments

It’s finally happened. Well, it happened a few months ago already, but yesterday it really happened. My title changed. I am no longer just a mother. Mom. Mum (in Australian terms). I’m a mother of a teenager. And yesterday morning I had my first real test.

I had a robot in the car. Incapable of speaking like a normal person, but using a deadpan robotic voice. Followed by the ‘I don’t know what to say because you are asking weird questions’. Questions about the day ahead. General conversational type questions. These are now suddenly weird questions, and I am not worthy.

Not impressed. So I did the only thing I could do. I dropped him off and never said goodbye. No ‘I love you’ and ‘have a good day’ and blah blah. Just nothing. He said thank you. And waited. Nothing. He repeated his thank you in his robotic voice. Nothing. And so he left. And I got on with my day.

Different attitude when I collected him. He asked me are you going to speak to me again? Not if you are a robot, I don’t speak to robots. In general. And then it happened.

I didn’t realize that was how I was sounding. I won’t speak like that again.