Category prose

Goodbyes are Hard

Vonita 3 Comments

One of my early memories was being in preschool, and on a few days my teacher would be absent. On those days we had to go to the classroom next door. I hated it. I hated being there, and I hated not being with my teacher. I get attached to people. 

Today I had to say goodbye to a close colleague. She came in, handed in her resignation and work equipment, and left this afternoon. She helped me with a few things this year. Sitting next to me, and it was comforting to have her there. I feel saddened. Bad news to end the year.

Dead Doors

Vonita 8 Comments

 

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Dead doors

Lead to dead paths

So I am closing all those doors

That keep me from being free

 I have faith that

A vibrant door

Will open and

Beckon me

Through 

 

Fighting Depression 

Vonita 30 Comments

Well, I’m not doing a very good job at fighting it. Always seem to wake up in a low mood, and stay in a low mood. I miss people and interaction. Extended family. My sister, nieces, my mother-in-law who passed but I still miss chatting to her, school friends, old friends who have moved away. 

I used to love visiting my mother-in-law and staying the night. She was very easy to chat to. I used to wonder who will I chat to when she is no longer here. 

I feel jealousy over a friend who moved to Sydney, and automatically included in a few social circles. My longing for social interaction is so strong. My low moods and awkward social skills probably don’t help. I have bad habits. Like staring at people, sometimes I fixate on something, and don’t realize I’m staring at that person. It happened the other day at the office. There were two people chatting beside me and I looked over at one of them. I didn’t realize I was staring until she called me out on it. I’m sorry, she said, are we talking too loud? Um, no. I turned back to my computer.

Anyway, I guess it is the season where many people feel some loss. 

Creativity

Vonita 12 Comments

For a long time I’ve been wanting to create something. A good ole fashioned something that is semi-useful.

My mantra has been:

I want to be more creative 

I want to create

Something useful

That can be used 

That I created

My wish has been granted

So for the new year I have been given something to create. 

Not sure where to start! But I want to do it. And I will.

We are Safe

Vonita 20 Comments

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For the past while I’ve been struggling with the idea of change. How to make a change. What change to make. How to open the right doors. Where to go. All of my attempts have failed. It has been distressing for me, and disheartening. My self-esteem has been low. My mood has been low. And then I realized this afternoon:

Change doesn’t have to be hard

I changed my life, my country, my job, my future all  in one go, and the big thing at the time was:

It all fell into place

I didn’t have to jump through hoops, or do party tricks, or sell myself unnaturally, or bang my head against brick walls. I just allowed it to happen, and did what I needed to do when it needed to be done. It all worked out perfectly. A better country opened for my family and I, work opportunities, a new home, new friends, and it all resolved peacefully.

The world is filled with color. Embrace the color, and when change happens, embrace it. Trust in God to change our lives for the better. We are held in safe hands. We are safe.

Perils of Facebook

Vonita 10 Comments

Yesterday I woke up on a hot summer day, very sunny, feeling low on serotonin and generally needing a pick-me-up. I was kid-sitting four kids and studying for a Java 8 exam, 700 pages of technical speak, because I’m a nerd and have nothing better to do with my time. And being technically weak I need all the help I can get. (So go and study 700 pages as punishment and then do the exam and pass).

Something about me. I love being around people. I’m not always loving one-on-one-being-under-pressure-to-make-scintillating-conversation company, but I love to be in a group. Something else, I hate being left out, I’m a classic FOMO (fear of missing out).

This morning I saw on fb a post of one of my besties on a Sunday picnic yesterday with others I know. I was not included. I hate that Fb has to advertise people’s private personal events in my face. I hate that I was not included and spent a boring day indulging in ice-cream and being a nerd.

Sometimes there are things I’d rather not know about.

Empathy

Vonita 14 Comments

Yesterday I was upset with my son for getting his punctuation wrong. I am always such a bossy mother, telling him to do this, do that, do the next thing. Please.

This evening I came home in tears. Always feeling a failure, never really fitting it, being socially awkward and introverted. Being technically weak in a technical role.

My son came and sat with me in my room. He rubbed my back for me and comforted me. The others in the house continued what they were doing.

And I thought to myself. My son’s heart touched mine. He entered into my pain. He had and has always had a special gift of empathy. We are born with souls. Sometimes it gets crowded out. At the end of the day, who cares about punctuation? What does it really matter? 

OR

Vonita 22 Comments

When facing adversity, we have a choice. We can either shrink. Make ourselves smaller. And more miserable. And a monster to be around. 

OR

We can roll up our sleeves and get to work. Do what needs to be done. Look above the situation. Not directly into and below it. Lift those eyes. And rise. Do it. For yourself.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/or/

The Morning After

Vonita 7 Comments

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To all my friends feeling pain at the moment, near or far. 

Empathy

Vonita 5 Comments

Sometimes, when confronted with something bigger than I can comprehend, my mind automatically reverts to details. Immediately after my mother passed away, when at the time it was so sudden and unexpected, my mind went into survival-mode. What are the next steps? What to do now? My mind focused more on practical day-to-day living than on the fact that I had lost my one and only mother. When I stopped to think about it, my pain was around the fact that I would never hear her voice again. I often have dreams where I am trying to call her and she doesn’t answer the phone. Or she doesn’t want to speak to me. Her voice is not heard.

A colleague is going through a difficult time. I immediately went into survival-mode, and became detail-driven. How did it happen? What next? What did you do? What are you going to do? He said to me, it would only be from you, Vonita. All these questions, and lack of subtlety.

Perhaps it is a lesson to just be still. To feel the pain that others feel. To have a heart that is soft. To allow myself to feel my own loss and pain. To have empathy.