Tag Prose

We are Safe

Vonita 20 Comments

5ihz5whosqe-chris-lawton.jpg

For the past while I’ve been struggling with the idea of change. How to make a change. What change to make. How to open the right doors. Where to go. All of my attempts have failed. It has been distressing for me, and disheartening. My self-esteem has been low. My mood has been low. And then I realized this afternoon:

Change doesn’t have to be hard

I changed my life, my country, my job, my future all  in one go, and the big thing at the time was:

It all fell into place

I didn’t have to jump through hoops, or do party tricks, or sell myself unnaturally, or bang my head against brick walls. I just allowed it to happen, and did what I needed to do when it needed to be done. It all worked out perfectly. A better country opened for my family and I, work opportunities, a new home, new friends, and it all resolved peacefully.

The world is filled with color. Embrace the color, and when change happens, embrace it. Trust in God to change our lives for the better. We are held in safe hands. We are safe.

Empathy

Vonita 14 Comments

Yesterday I was upset with my son for getting his punctuation wrong. I am always such a bossy mother, telling him to do this, do that, do the next thing. Please.

This evening I came home in tears. Always feeling a failure, never really fitting it, being socially awkward and introverted. Being technically weak in a technical role.

My son came and sat with me in my room. He rubbed my back for me and comforted me. The others in the house continued what they were doing.

And I thought to myself. My son’s heart touched mine. He entered into my pain. He had and has always had a special gift of empathy. We are born with souls. Sometimes it gets crowded out. At the end of the day, who cares about punctuation? What does it really matter? 

Tenacity 

Vonita 11 Comments

Sometimes one is needing tenacity to get through what one needs to get through in life. Such example for me this morning. I failed at something. I had to solve a few problems, and I solved none. In short, I failed. Again. I burst into tears. But fortunately for me, I’m used to failure. And picking myself up again. Because it’s boring and tired on the floor. 

So this afternoon and evening I solved all the problems. I could and I did. It might be too little, too late, but for me, I have closure. I can say I can do something. Because I could and I did. My tears have dried. I am feeling happy (as much as).

And I can say this for myself. I have tenacity.

Feeling Pain

Vonita 5 Comments

It took three weeks to stop feeling pain when breastfeeding my firstborn. It was so clear in my mind, he was born on a Friday, and the Friday three weeks after I had no pain. After that it was smooth sailing. One of the best feelings for a woman is breastfeeding. But only after the initial pain has passed.

Currently I am feeling pain. It has been a pain for two months and counting. An emotional pain. It appears in my mind at least every day. One day it will pass. And then I  will be on the other side. There will be no more pain. But today, it is still there. 

Waiting to be healed. Waiting to reach the other side.

OR

Vonita 22 Comments

When facing adversity, we have a choice. We can either shrink. Make ourselves smaller. And more miserable. And a monster to be around. 

OR

We can roll up our sleeves and get to work. Do what needs to be done. Look above the situation. Not directly into and below it. Lift those eyes. And rise. Do it. For yourself.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/or/

Flying Free

Vonita 17 Comments

Sometimes I wish I could escape feelings. Or at least have a remote to control them. Set mood on automatic happiness level 9.8, maybe a happiness level of a complete 10 might be a bit OTT. 

Everyday I am conscious of all the goodness around me. All the lack of suffering I have not had to endure because of circumstances of birth, combined with a touch of good fortune, tenacity and hard work. And yet, my mood is still low. Counting my blessings and being aware, but still having a sinking feeling inside of me, a feeling of sadness combined with anxiety and wistful thinking. Expectations of what we deserve in this life. Comparisons of others without knowing the whole story, not seeing the whole picture. 

While we breathe we are tied to this physical realm. Our bodies need resources to survive. Love and affection and touch. One day I believe, my soul will fly free. Free of this earthly bind. Free of needing food, water, sleep, education, competition, needing to do this, needing to do that. Just being free. And feeling love. Hopefully, perhaps, it will be.

Plop

Vonita 18 Comments

I was so bored this evening with nothing to do, and not feeling like reading or studying for Java 8 exam (because I can), so I just plopped onto my bed and looked at the ceiling for a couple of hours. Every thirty minutes I was able to play candy crush until my lives all died, and had to wait for reset to happen.

Well, that’s been my evening folks, from Sydney, wishing you a good night! Or good day if that works better for you.

Pop quiz: when last did you use the word ‘plop’?

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/plop/

Strength for Today

Vonita 18 Comments

Every so often I have a conversation with someone – a friend, acquaintance, whatever, that leaves me feeling somewhat like “what just happened there”. Usually it is because of my own poor conversational skills. Either being way too self-absorbed, or just plain old negative, and who wants to listen to that?

A few days ago I watched the second Bridget Jones instalment “The Edge of Reason”. At one point she finds herself in a Thai prison surrounded by a prison cell full of female prisoners. The conversation inevitably turned to the subject of partners and their personal experiences. Being beaten, abused etc. She tried to add to the conversation, but her own ex-partner’s failings fell a bit short. He folds his underwear before he goes to sleep. Well, she couldn’t finish her sentence because she realized how lame it sounded. She needed the terrible circumstances of those around her to see things in perspective.

This morning I shared my anxiety over some aspect of my life. My friend said to me, in nine years of being in Sydney, this has not happened to you as yet. True, it hasn’t. She offered the following advice. Today you do not have to solve anything. Just enjoy your circumstances as they are, and if at some point they change for the worst, then  you have reached the time to deal with it.

Moving Worlds

Vonita 10 Comments
image

Exploring the city – May 1998

One of my best friends arrived in Sydney from Johannesburg yesterday. They made the brave decision to leave friends, family and everything they know behind, and start somewhere new. It will be our ninth anniversary later this year. I think back on those first days, the up and downs, the mixed emotions, the craziness of learning to swim in a new pool. Everything so scary, and so exciting too. The best thing was the feeling of safety. To park my car and know with a fair amount of certainty that I will be able to return to it, and that it will still be where I parked it. Nine years on and I feel so very blessed, so thankful that doors opened for us when they did, and allowed us to create a life in a safe and peaceful land.

Australia is its own island, and has only been good to us.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/island/

 

Self-Pity be Gone

Vonita 7 Comments

Feeling sorry for myself, and a kind friend told me to stop wallowing. Other friends allow me to wallow. But it is the ‘Stop It’ comment that really help to put life into perspective and to change my attitude. You will change your attitude. I will! Indeed! Self-pity be gone.