The more time I spend on healing, the more I realize the importance of self-care. On making the better choices for my own self. Some choices strengthen and others weaken.
Recently I placed myself in a situation that I knew would not be good for me. I did it anyway. Because I could. Because I wanted to. I could feel the strength ebb from me. I was giving my power away.
(Perhaps) fortunately I became ill and had an enforced break. My strength was renewed.
I have been able to stand back and allow myself the power and freedom to make choices for strength. For self-care. For self-love.
I had a conversation the other day.
And I could say with honesty
I am healed
Seven and a half months later and it is done
I am healed.
On Friday I encountered two situations that would have triggered meltdowns. Not one meltdown, but I would have gone straight from one into another. Things that happened that are my trigger points for sure. Those situations – a comment from someone, a fear of missing out, of rejection, of abandonment came rushing to the fore.
But I am healed and healing. If I ever wondered if I needed to be on medication, now I can testify how much it has helped. I was able to acknowledge those situations, identify that they are trigger points for me, that they would have had power over me in the previous days, and set them aside. Continue with my day.
I have been reduced so many times in the past to tears. The trigger points that invoke a pain inside that shortcut any rational thought. I would be overcome. But on Friday I was not overcome. And it felt good. Empowering.
Every day I am growing stronger.
Words have faded into distance
Anxiety all a blur
My mind is resting
Calm and tranquil
Peace, at last, for sure
For I was searching for the light
And now my eyes can see
Darkness faded into sunrise
New day has dawned for me
What is it about closure that is so satisfying
Is it the pain that stabbed when I
Read the one line I never wanted to read
The painful words I never wanted to hear
The brutal rejection that cut through me
The psychotic behavior that forced a result
That pushed your boundaries and
Pushed until finally you could take no more
Until finally you could take a stand
Until finally all the superficial niceties
The false fake sweet kind words
And all that remained was a defiant
Rejection of all things that are me
What is it that is so satisfying
That shuts me down
That stills my conflict
And allows me to rest?
I wish I knew
I wish it wasn’t so
But now it’s over
I am full with a perverse satisfaction
That bears no apologetic shame
And finally I can
He respected me enough to walk away when I asked him to. To not use and abuse me anymore. And that is a good thing. Past hurts are monuments of risk. On taking the chance of something better. Of being vulnerable and open and alive. Scars show we bleed. And scars show we heal.
Bleeding and healing go together. It is life. Without either we would be dead.
There is love
Flowing in the world
Reaching out from hearts
Healing as it goes
From yours to mine
Tender love has reached
A soothing balm
On my salted wound
I open my arms and allow the wind to lift me off my feet and fly me to worlds of love and worlds free of pain and worlds of healing and in that moment I am loved and accepted and passionate and alive and good enough and healed and whole
I took some care and wrapped it around my salted wound, with love I tied it carefully, I dried the blood with the tears from my swollen eyes, and with patience I handed it over to time to complete the final touch.