Self-Care

The more time I spend on healing, the more I realize the importance of self-care. On making the better choices for my own self. Some choices strengthen and others weaken. 

Recently I placed myself in a situation that I knew would not be good for me. I did it anyway. Because I could. Because I wanted to. I could feel the strength ebb from me. I was giving my power away.

(Perhaps) fortunately I became ill and had an  enforced break. My strength was renewed.

I have been able to stand back and allow myself the power and freedom to make choices for strength. For self-care. For self-love. 

For me.

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Growing Stronger

On Friday I encountered two situations that would have triggered meltdowns. Not one meltdown, but I would have gone straight from one into another. Things that happened that are my trigger points for sure. Those situations – a comment from someone, a fear of missing out, of rejection, of abandonment came rushing to the fore.

But I am healed and healing. If I ever wondered if I needed to be on medication, now I can testify how much it has helped. I was able to acknowledge those situations, identify that they are trigger points for me, that they would have had power over me in the previous days, and set them aside. Continue with my day.

I have been reduced so many times in the past to tears. The trigger points that  invoke a pain inside that shortcut any rational thought. I would be overcome. But on Friday I was not overcome. And it felt good. Empowering.

Every day I am growing stronger.

Psychotic

What is it about closure that is so satisfying

Is it the pain that stabbed when I 

Read the one line I never wanted to read

The painful words I never wanted to hear

The brutal rejection that cut through me

The psychotic behavior that forced a result 

That pushed your boundaries and 

Pushed until finally you could take no more

Until finally you could take a stand

Until finally all the superficial niceties 

The false fake sweet kind words 

Evaporated 

Fell away 

And all that remained was a defiant 

Rejection of all things that are me 

What is it that is so satisfying 

That shuts me down 

That stills my conflict 

And allows me to rest?

I wish I knew 

I wish it wasn’t so

But now it’s over

I am full with a perverse satisfaction

That bears no apologetic shame 

And finally I can

Heal.

Bleeding and Healing

He respected me enough to walk away when I asked him to. To not use and abuse me anymore. And that is a good thing. Past hurts are monuments of risk. On taking the chance of something better. Of being vulnerable and open and alive. Scars show we bleed. And scars show we heal.

Bleeding and healing go together. It is life. Without either we would be dead.