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A Sinking Feeling

Vonita 2 Comments


Last night I stood up a colleague. I had committed to going to an external training event. I had registered, and was all set. We needed to leave 5:30. At 4:30 I managed to get two key engineers on a conference call to complete something. It is for the project I have been working on since January, and this was the last missing piece to tie everything together. And difficult people to get hold of.

At 5:20 my colleague came past my desk. I had my mobile on speaker and my landline on speaker and having a three way conversation. Normally we have technology for such things, but the one person was at a client site and external network in Melbourne, I’m in Sydney, who knows where the other person was, but we were all working on multiple servers via a shared screen on my laptop, taking turns to control 😂

So I couldn’t just get up and leave.

My colleague waited until the last minute and then left. Not very impressed.

An hour later I was done. I jumped in a cab and headed on over. An hour late, but hey, still an hour to go. I couldn’t get past reception. The event is full I was told, and doors closed. But I’ve registered? Sorry, it is full.

So I took a photo of the entrance to prove that I was there, and made my way home.

With an awful sinking feeling.

Girls Night Out

Vonita 2 Comments

One of my resolutions for this year is to be more friendly, and make more friends. And try to have some fun. Because we love fun 😭 oh no I hate that saying, it brings back memories. Bittersweet. (I miss him. 😭 Now it’s only me left in the we 😭).

I digress. 

So this coming Wednesday bestie and I are Girls Night Out. Yay Chicks at the Flicks, yay Beauty and the Beast, yay Fun, yay Us!

On not being a project manager 

Vonita 5 Comments

I often wished I could be a project manager. Project managers have options. They can grow their careers. Move into general management. Become senior managers. Portfolio managers.

But today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why I could never be, and why I am not a project manager. I hate asking people to do things. And waiting for them to do it. And following up.

It is a fear-based thing. Today I had to follow up something with someone. And the feeling it invoked in me. I was back to a child again having to ask an elder for something. And fearing the rebuke. Not wanting to nag. Impose. Having to rely on someone. 

I don’t ask for my lawn to be mowed. I pay someone to do it. I pay for handyman services.

At least now I understand why.

Grotesquely Excited!

Vonita 15 Comments


Today I connected on social media with an old colleague from early in my career. We haven’t spoken since early 2000. I was single in those days, and living in Johannesburg. He has wondered how life has treated me through the years. This is someone I worked closely with every day for two years, and traveled to the U.K. together with on training. Somewhat like a work husband 😂

I spoke about my four day job (yay!), and how it was fate that I got my current role. The company started off as a South African company, and is now a top global IT company. I worked for them in South Africa as well.

I was thinking on this positive conversation when I arrived home. That’s strange, I thought, walking into the kitchen, and finding post with my name on it. Who could that be from?

Our NSW branch manager, that’s who! Grotesquely excited to congratulate me on my work anniversary. Woo hooo!!!

How awesome is that? No, really!

Six Months 

Vonita 24 Comments

It took me six months to overcome my ‘sugar-in-tea’ addiction. I had tried before, but I hated the taste of unsweetened tea. Several attempts of cutting the sugar failed. Until one day I went cold turkey. I just decided. I’m doing it. Quitting the sugar. I craved it. I pleaded with myself. Please can I have sugar in my tea? Please?? No. I really want sugar. No.

After six months, unsweetened tea and coffee tasted normal. That was sixteen years ago. Now I cannot drink sweetened tea or coffee. It makes me want to gag.

In December I went cold turkey. I will overcome my latest addiction. I have cried and whined and hated myself and been through the rough. I figure I have another three months to go. I feel stronger than I did in January. Mid-February. I am still not there yet. But stronger. The energies will change. Worlds will shift. 

I did such a great job of cutting ties that the choice is no longer mine. There is nothing I can run back to. Even if I beg and plead and stand on my head.

Acceptance is the big new word. 

Three more months.

Teenager

Vonita 27 Comments

It’s finally happened. Well, it happened a few months ago already, but yesterday it really happened. My title changed. I am no longer just a mother. Mom. Mum (in Australian terms). I’m a mother of a teenager. And yesterday morning I had my first real test.

I had a robot in the car. Incapable of speaking like a normal person, but using a deadpan robotic voice. Followed by the ‘I don’t know what to say because you are asking weird questions’. Questions about the day ahead. General conversational type questions. These are now suddenly weird questions, and I am not worthy.

Not impressed. So I did the only thing I could do. I dropped him off and never said goodbye. No ‘I love you’ and ‘have a good day’ and blah blah. Just nothing. He said thank you. And waited. Nothing. He repeated his thank you in his robotic voice. Nothing. And so he left. And I got on with my day. 

Different attitude when I collected him. He asked me are you going to speak to me again? Not if you are a robot, I don’t speak to robots. In general. And then it happened. 

I didn’t realize that was how I was sounding. I won’t speak like that again.

Giving Advice

Vonita 5 Comments

It’s so easy to have an opinion, and give advice on someone else’s life. People are generally filled with wisdom. I am filled with wisdom over my own life.

I know exactly what I should be doing, and how I should be doing it. What I should and should not be focusing on. What I should be feeling. 

But hearts are rebellious. They follow their own set of rules. They want what they want, when they want it, and they generally want it right now.

I know I should not be jealous. Or envious. Or desire things I shouldn’t. Focus on things that are good and right and helpful. 

And knowing all of these things makes it no easier to put into practice. 

Random

Vonita 11 Comments

So apparently, according to my teenage, and soon-to-be teenage offspring, their mother is generally weird, and does random things. Like dancing at a concert. And chatting to the stranger next to her. And taking selfies with both hands. Who does that? And she says random things. In general. Nice to see my kids both in mutual agreement over something.

And they haven’t even read their mother’s blog, or anything she writes in order to confirm their view. (And please may they never).

Yeah. Random. That would sum up their mother in one word, I would say.

What it means to be Trump

Vonita 13 Comments

As a pet time-filler, I decided to follow Trump on twitter and read some of his tweets.

What astounds me is how utterly mean-spirited he is. It is very important that he is bigger, better, best (even when he is not), and everyone else is dirt. Unless of course they follow him, adore him, and do what he says. There are no words of encouragement, no trying to lift people up, just put down as hard as he can and glorify his horrid, despicable self.

Question is, how is such a personality created? Are they born with same. Is it parenting. Life situations? 

Effortless Help

Vonita 11 Comments


In days past, whenever I have asked for God’s help and help has appeared, it has always been an ‘effortless’ help. 

Everything has just fallen so easily into place. Moving countries was effortless. Sure I had my part to play, had to pack everything up, and get organized, but the whole process was effortless. Work appeared, houses appeared, all the help we needed when we needed it, appeared. There was no struggle. There was no resistance. 

The same when I met my husband. I prayed and prayed to meet one person in the world that would love me. And when it happened, it was effortless. I didn’t have to fight and scream and go through turmoil, it was just easy and peaceful. And effortless.

For a few years I have been feeling unsettled inside. Not knowing where to go or what to do. I have failed miserably  at a few things I have attempted, had my self-esteem and confidence destroyed, and felt hopeless and even worthless.

But I realize, with God’s help the change that I need will happen, and it will happen effortlessly. I won’t need to jump through hoops, perform all manner of party tricks, or sell my soul for something to happen. It will just be. In God’s perfect time and way, and when it happens, it whatever way it manifests, I will be willing.