Psychotic

What is it about closure that is so satisfying

Is it the pain that stabbed when I 

Read the one line I never wanted to read

The painful words I never wanted to hear

The brutal rejection that cut through me

The psychotic behavior that forced a result 

That pushed your boundaries and 

Pushed until finally you could take no more

Until finally you could take a stand

Until finally all the superficial niceties 

The false fake sweet kind words 

Evaporated 

Fell away 

And all that remained was a defiant 

Rejection of all things that are me 

What is it that is so satisfying 

That shuts me down 

That stills my conflict 

And allows me to rest?

I wish I knew 

I wish it wasn’t so

But now it’s over

I am full with a perverse satisfaction

That bears no apologetic shame 

And finally I can

Heal.

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Heaven and Home!

It was mentioned to me last week that if I change my thinking, that the world would be my oyster. This is a wonderful thought in its place, and caused me to reflect on it more deeply. 

We have all been given natural bodies, and those bodies have natural needs. I’m sure it is part of human nature for us to fill those needs as comfortably as possible. Most of us would not willingly suffer, I am sure of that. 

My eyes have been outward looking the past few months. Seeing what others have that I want for myself. I would like a beautiful designer house by the sea. I would love to have a high-powered career and not be in tears every day. I would love to go on incentive trips, and win awards and be recognized for my worldly greatness. Or even have my own successful business and be a success, yay for that. I would love to have many friends, and a personality that commands respect and admiration and friends and all things good.

But in having the world as my oyster where does it end? If I obtained the most precious worldly pearl, would there be satisfaction and peace? Perhaps for a day, or a few. Perhaps I could congratulate myself in comfort. For a day and a few. And then? Human nature would once again take over. Because that’s what it does. It is greedy. It is selfish. It wants. It desires. It is actually never satisfied. And it is seduced by the next sparkling, bright thing.

So instead of changing my thoughts so that the world could be my oyster, maybe I can change my prayers. So that my desires can change. So that my heart can change. My spirit can change. So that heaven can be my home. So that I could find everlasting peace and joy and satisfaction. Not for a day or a few. But for eternity, and the life to come. 

Onward to heaven. And home!