it wasn’t enough
that i had all i ever dreamed of
it wasn’t enough
that i had
a partner
a child
a home
it wasn’t enough
that i was always employed
always healthy
always having a place to go
it wasn’t enough
that i never had
one day of hunger
one night of cold
one day of heat
one night of wanting
one day of going without
the heart is always hungry
always wanting
always craving
always demanding
always seeking
always dreaming
always wishing
nothing was
nothing is
nothing ever will be
Enough.
When enough is never enough –
Endlessly caught up
Chasing dreams
Chasing winds
Chasing leaves falling
Off trees
Time slips past
Days follow dawns
Until one final long
Goodnight
Surrounded by night
The morning dawns
My dreams awake me
From tired yawns
I may be weak
I might be wrong
But your endless love
Makes me strong
I have no point to prove
Wish there was more to say
Or even more to share
But I have no words
To say to you
The hurt runs deep and wide
Like blood flowing through my veins
It never goes away
I’ve learnt the lesson
Will live to tell
We all have pressure points, soft spots, triggers that invoke feelings within us. This past week I have been having a few of my pressure points being pushed, invoking a sense of sadness within me. Feelings of inadequacy. Lowering my mood, and preventing peace. Today I went and sat at the harbor and just allowed myself to be still. To honor those feelings within that sadden me. I listened to a busker playing his guitar. Allowed the notes to flow through me. It felt so therapeutic. Just to be in the moment, and to be.
Full House ran for all the years I was in high school through my university years. I used to watch it every week. I remember clearly being on vacation at my grandmother in Cape Town, I was twenty at the time, and the theme song came on. My grandmother came through from the kitchen, and sat down to watch it. She loved Michelle!
So I couldn’t resist watching the new release Fuller House, even for old times sake. Well, I’m a sucker for nostalgia, so must admit for all its faults, I still enjoy seeing the original characters, even though they are now grown up. Though just not the same without Michelle, my grandmother’s favorite character. I guess she just moved on.
And it was strange watching with my daughter this time around. The loved ones in my world have been taken from me, and new ones been given.
I think of all the words I said
Of all the words I should have said
But did not
I think of all the choices made
Of all the choices I should have made
But did not
And I wonder why
I said the words I said
Why I chose the way I chose
And where to sail from here?
Partial reflections
Glimmer in the evening sky –
Yellow against blue
Your scent lingers as
The memory of your
Touch teases me
Once there was a
You and me—
Us
Now there is only
An abyss
What does it mean
To be more?
Does it mean
To earn more
To have more
To want more
Or does it mean
To live more
To love more
To feel more
With desire
And passion
And joy
What does it mean
To be more?
Poems and Petals 