everything was set up
all we had to do was sign
signature became a decision
skies darkened by clouded vision
under duress I walked away
to regret in coming days
all we had to do was sign
opportunity lost
Tag decisions
Headspace
This past week I have found myself agreeing to do something that someone else wants me to do. It is a big thing I have to do, it is costing me (time, money and emotion), and I am resentful. It gets complicated. We don’t live in a solitary world. Sometimes our actions affect others. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we never chose for ourselves. To have been true to myself and just said NO, would have led to implications on others. So I felt my responsibility, and have obliged.
But now I have a dark black shadow over me. My soul is telling me what it feels. There is no energy or excitement in what needs to be done. Just a feeling of resentment, and a manner of going through motions.
I haven’t been able to visit the WordPress reader this week. The energy from me is gone.
Dinner Time
Erika (from I’m Free!) and I were discussing decisions, and what to cook for dinner. By some strange twist of fate, I had taken a photo of my cooking this evening. Last year was a pasta-free year, but this afternoon I decided to be a rebel and indulge.
So here is my dinner decision for today: pasta, cream and vegetables! With salad. (I’m feeling kinda shy at sharing such a personal photo, lol!)
Decisions
One of the biggest decisions I’ve had to make was to leave my home and family behind, and start a new life in a foreign land. If I stop and think about it, it’s a rather huge decision. A few months earlier I had to make a decision on changing jobs. I was offered a new position, and had to decide. It tore at me, I was at peace with nothing, to stay or to go. My daughter was still a baby, and I couldn’t see how I would cope with either choice. My nerves gave in. After much obsession, I joined the new company. From the first moment, I struggled to adapt. Everything bothered me, the building, the location, everything! After a couple of weeks I decided not to continue. The manager at my previous company was gracious, and invited me to return. In doing so, the way opened to move to Australia. This time there was no anxiety. I created a to-do list and got on with it. So even though it was a major life-changing decision, it took minimal energy to make. And that is how it often seems to be. The big decisions are sometimes clear-cut and easy to make, but every day we have smaller decisions that consume way more energy. What to eat, what to wear, read WordPress blogs on the bus, write a post, or read the news instead, etc!
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/the-road-less-traveled/
Reflections
I think of all the words I said
Of all the words I should have said
But did not
I think of all the choices made
Of all the choices I should have made
But did not
And I wonder why
I said the words I said
Why I chose the way I chose
And where to sail from here?
Naivety
Sometimes I think nothing shocks me anymore. But I have just been shocked over something that is perhaps quite common. I’ve spent two weeks alternating between technical problems (which one do we choose today?) This has kept me at work until just before 7pm, a few minutes ago. And as I exited the building and passed the coffee shop at the entrance, there were signs stating a private party is being held. There were men standing around with drinks in their hand, and topless. half-dressed-as-Santa, ladies mingling amongst them. In my local coffee shop! My eyes nearly shot out my head. What! A well known waiter was at the entrance of the building, and I couldn’t help but express my reaction. How can these ladies do that? Entertain drinking men whilst wearing nothing? Making themselves an object? And he just shrugged his shoulders, men do it as well. I’m sure they do! Except I’ve never been across it, myself.
And as I walked towards the bus pondering this situation, I was reminded of all the problems I’ve been stuck on for the past two weeks, a situation which often defines my life. And an unwelcome thought popped into my head, surely prancing around naked would be an easier way to make money? I have to go home and think about issues I don’t know how to solve. One week before Christmas. And not only that, study for and re-sit an exam I failed by two questions last week. Yes, I’m totally the last person who should be judging others for their decisions.
Dungarees
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Out of Your Reach.”
I went shopping with my daughter the other day. I was looking for some dresses for her. She saw a pair of dungarees and asked me straight away, please can I get these? My immediate reaction was no, I’m not here to buy those, I’m looking for dresses. Another time. As we walked away, she said to me quietly, I’ve asked before and you always say another time, but there is never another time. It stopped me in my tracks. I thought to myself good point. I decided to change my mind and said to her okay, let’s go back. I bought them for her, and she wears them now all the time! And they look so cute on her! I told her on the way back, she really twisted my arm, but I suppose that’s what mothers are for. I don’t have a mother whose arm I can twist, so good for her!
Contemplation
Decisions of mine
Every choice I have made
Have all led me here
A silent moment
Alone, lacking company
Contemplating me
There is no escape
Wondering what could have been
No door can I see
I long for release!
Echoes of a distant me
Dreaming silently
To Change (or Not)
The battle between comfort or change
Is simply won – if the comfort is too comfortable
Than to risk being more uncomfortable, it wins.
However, if the comfort is slightly more uncomfortable
Than a comfort zone ought to be, it loses.
And it is really is as simple as that.
Crossing Over
Should we change
Or remain the same
Should we grow
Or shrink into ourselves
Should we evolve
Or always hide away
Should we trust
Or live in unbelief
Should I cross
Or rather stay behind
To never see the other side?
Poems and Petals 