I made a decision to change my life and now it feels crazy weird and I feel crazy weird and nothing feels normal anymore and so I need to get used to a new normal. I dare not look back because there is nothing to look back to.
Sometimes we do what we have to do. At the time I was studying, there were parts I did not like at all. Actually, anything to do with one of my majors. I loved the applied maths and linear programming. Matrices and maths and solving the traveling salesman problem. It was defined and I understood it and enjoyed it. But unless I studied further and specialized, there didn’t seem to be much use for it. So I followed the generic part of my degree, and took up an IBM graduate position.
It filled me with daily dread, and so I left. I joined a small team doing technical ‘stuff’. I was a junior, ran around a lot, crimped a lot of cables and pulled out network and dialogic cards, replaced them, wrote C code, worked late nights, bought a car and moved out of home.
And after that I was on my own. Sink or swim baby and make sure to earn enough to feed myself.
I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered. The question is, what changes to make to live a better life? To not be in tears every day and constantly feeling less than? I’ve asked myself this question so many times. And I have no answer!
I cannot say I am big on plans. My personality is way too passive for plan-making. Usually I just drift along, waiting for life to happen, and hoping (and praying) for the best. Generally it has worked okay for me. It has given me my not-too-shabby life, but not an-overly-exciting life either. Just a bit of a comfort-zone-type of life. With poetry (and writing in general) being my very-much-needed outlet (yay for poetry). I digress. Sometimes, plans are good.
In their place. Because you know what they say about plans. (Actually, what do they say about plans? BRB, Google is my friend). Got it, this is what they say about plans:
Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.
Well, atm I am busy making plans. Oh, there is something else they say about plans:
Plans are nothing, planning is everything.
So this is getting a bit deep. What I really want to say is this.
Sometimes we really need a plan. Or at least I really need a plan. Something tangible I can obsess about. Keep me up at night. Distract me. And I have a plan(!).
Because everyone at some point in their lives needs a plan (my quote, you’re welcome)
I signed up for a Udemy course (yay Udemy, yay Max Schwarzmuller, yay Angular2). About 18 hours of knockout material to keep me busy, learning, upskilling, and generally being distracted. Of course 18 hours will be morphing into about 180, but sometimes needs must. And then we will make further plans from there. Or at least start knocking on doors. And hoping for doors to open. Not just any windows or doors. The right doors. To open. Right doors are key!
I wondered if I should get on the bus that already had a few standing passengers, and not knowing how long until the next one arrived I decided to take the chance, and now I have the first world problem in that someone decided to stand in my tiny little corner of bus space, and now my feet have nowhere to go except through the legs of another man, his legs are touching mine, I can smell his smelly spare shoes in his hand and his back keeps on touching my face, and I am like, really
(My feet were there first! In my space)
I used to think tenacity was good.
Now I think, it is not enough.
I used to think my courage would see me through.
Now I think, it is not enough.
I used to think I could do it all.
Now I ask, will I even start?
I used to think my life was worth my breath
Now I pray, help me survive this day.
I had plenty of opportunity to turn around and walk away.
Plenty of opportunity to choose the wiser choice.
Plenty of opportunity to say goodbye.
Plenty of opportunity to stay on a better path.
And there was no resistance.
None at all.
From circles of fire
Flames that burn
A new beginning
It is happening
It is time
I’ve been stuck in the same old energy for many years. Many years of dreaming, wishing, praying, wanting. It is getting old. I need to change. I need a change. I need to heal. But how? Where to even start?
Okay, I’m down to three, and for the life of me I can’t decide! Birthday shopping Vonita-style, they each have their own card and wrapping paper. All with return vouchers so I can obsess in comfort.
So, A (florabotanica 100ml), B (Issey Miyake Pure with gift box 90ml), C (FlowerBomb teeny weeny 30mls with gift box), or D (flowerbomb 50ml but no gift box)? All similar values.
Help! Which one!
(My friend is in age range 45-49 if that makes a difference?)
Enemies I have a few –
When doing things
Others don’t want me to do.
Making decisions that
May never please;
Their anger directed at me
I can never appease.
Well, I received short notice
To never show my face
And my family and friends
To stay away.
My only shortcoming –
To make a decision
That did not please.
And I’m sorry for you.