I took a risk and changed my world. I took a risk and stepped outside. I took a risk and all along, it seemed to be my honest prayer. The skies had cleared, the clouds were gone, for one brief time my heart felt strong. But just as soon as all was said, the clouds built up, so grey and dark. They threatened storms, they hung down low, I closed my eyes to make it go. The thunder stormed, the hailstones fell, all peace was gone, replaced by hell. But life is strange, we need the rain, if only to see for once the glorious bow. I took a risk and now it’s done. The door is closed, I must move on. There will be another, a door for me. There will be another, a golden key. So now dear friends, I lay my head, I will sleep for now, to gather strength. For strength I need to see ahead. I need all strength. I must be strong.
Armed with a naked courage and a certain level of tenacity that has weathered me well, I step forth into this day. Fearing what will be and fearing what will not, I pull my shoulders back and flick my hair off my face so it falls effortlessly around my neck. Soft scents of my perfume waft across my face and in that moment I absolutely resolve. will not cry. If my world crumbles around my feet, I will position myself on top the heap and honor all that was and all that will still be.
And I will not cry.
If I had known beforehand what I know now, would my footsteps have been any different? I walked in faith and so it must be, in faith I must continue to walk. What will be will always be, and what will not be will never be.
For now my head rests against a pillow and there is nothing more to be said or done but for my eyes to close and my soul to pray.
And I know my Lord will hold me tight. For now and all through this long and treacherous night.
My chest is constricting so much that I cannot breath. My heart is freezing like the water turning to ice on a mid-winters morn. For a few random breaths I was as happy as I would ever be and I had faith in the realm in which I was held.
Tomorrow I find out my fate. Will I be gone or will I live another day?
To survive the night is a bitter torment and my flesh writhes in agony. Is there anywhere else I can be?
I fear not. The demons of the night are here to torment. When I fall asleep my dreams are nightmares. I wake to only find another one awaits.
Old winds fly by forever
Never to be captured or contained
The trick is to
Accept nature at her word:
Fresh winds bring fresh
Patience is key.
How to cope when you don’t know how to cope?
Stop the stories.
Stop the projections
Stop the comparisons.
And simply do
What needs to be done today.
Change has the power to strip me naked baring my exposed flesh to a glaring world.
I will gather up leaves – authentic, sturdy, and vibrant and clothe myself again.
I made a decision to change my life and now it feels crazy weird and I feel crazy weird and nothing feels normal anymore and so I need to get used to a new normal. I dare not look back because there is nothing to look back to.
I only realized how toxic the environment was until I left after ten years of service without even a card to well-wish my days ahead.
Did I wish for a well-wish? I would have been touched by the gesture.
I entered through the doors
That would open for days to follow.
Days turned into years
A decade saw it through
I cried at times, and smiled as well.
I had fun and also
I stood up for myself, and gave it my all.
I gave what I could.
For now, I will take and
Say thanks when I do.