I loved
I loved with a pain that sliced with ice-sharpened knives
I loved with a love that haunted at night
That invaded my dreams and nightmares
Those eyes that penetrated my soul
That brought me to smiles and tears
Left me on whisper-white clouds
And pits of darkened coal
I loved with my very essence
I never stopped
I loved
And more than that
I love
If all we can do is love
Then let us love!
We are spirit
We are life
We are one
Love, life, spirit
Hold us up
Hold us high
Lift our eyes
Lift us up!
Take my hand and fly with me
Fly far, fly high
Love our days away
Hold my hand and run with me
Run fast, run far
Submit to love
You and me
Forever
Together
And always
Always
Sometimes we do what we have to do. At the time I was studying, there were parts I did not like at all. Actually, anything to do with one of my majors. I loved the applied maths and linear programming. Matrices and maths and solving the traveling salesman problem. It was defined and I understood it and enjoyed it. But unless I studied further and specialized, there didn’t seem to be much use for it. So I followed the generic part of my degree, and took up an IBM graduate position.
It filled me with daily dread, and so I left. I joined a small team doing technical ‘stuff’. I was a junior, ran around a lot, crimped a lot of cables and pulled out network and dialogic cards, replaced them, wrote C code, worked late nights, bought a car and moved out of home.
And after that I was on my own. Sink or swim baby and make sure to earn enough to feed myself.
I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered. The question is, what changes to make to live a better life? To not be in tears every day and constantly feeling less than? I’ve asked myself this question so many times. And I have no answer!
Big news is! I gave my first toastmasters speech this evening. And I never would have thought it, but apparently I am a natural! I have to admit, I love public speaking. This is really strange to think because I hardly ever speak during the day. Just keep to myself, try not to burst into tears, and harass people for help. And go home and write poetry. Because poetry 😍
But this evening during my speech, when I wasn’t speaking on anything technical with the accompanying feeling of being less than, I was a totally different person.
I received the most fantastic feedback. Like they were listening to my speech like it was scenes from a movie. And I have the most open, sparkling personality and smile. Wow. Was that really me they were referring to? My bff has told me that too before, she said there are two sides to me. The confident sparkling Vonita, and the other one.
Lessons I’ve learnt:
Be interested in others
Remember and address others by name
Enthuse positivity
Always wear sun block
Drink water (lots)
Always attend six-monthly dental appointments
Wear heels
Embrace your sparkling personality
Because ladies, we all sparkle!
We absolutely do!
I have the sweetest friend
Who spreads her light
And shares her love
Unsparingly and
Joyfully
I love her smile
Her grace
Her heart
My loving friend
I love you
This morning I received a beautiful encouraging message. We do not need to do much to be a help to others. Sometimes we can just be ourselves. And that is enough.
I was feeling so down on Friday, and my mood was really low, and simple faith has lifted me up again. We are spiritual beings in a natural form, and our natural bodies need natural resources. There will always be that need to feed it. But our natural form will fade and die. Our bodies will die. But we are spirit! There is something higher!
It is a lesson once again to be thankful and grateful for our lives, and the air we breathe. We are alive! We breathe! Yay for that.
The birds outside are chirping, and the sun is rising. Grace for today, that is my prayer.
My mother left us too soon. It is strange how you can have a life, a home, everything around you as it is, and then suddenly you are no longer there. Just plucked from your life, and there you go, dead.
I sometimes think about the life my mother left behind. If she suddenly returned how everything has changed. Her home is no longer. Her children have married. She would be a grandmother. There is google. There are smartphones. Can you believe that 21 years there was no google?
The last time I saw my mother she was wearing a blue sweater I bought her. She was going on an overseas vacation with my father. We drove to the airport, hugged goodbye, and then she was gone. I was 21, soon to be 22.
On an airplane and out my life.
Poems and Petals 