Ten years ago today I left my home in South Africa to start a new life in Sydney.
The past few months we have been witnessing a front-row seat to textbook narcissism (thank you, POTUS). This morning I saw a clip of him throwing papertowels to those in Puerto Rico. His lack of empathy and delusions of grandeur know no bounds. He truly is a despicable person.
I needed some papertowels in the kitchen this morning. Oh POTUS, where are you when I need you?
When surrounded by darkness
And we cannot see in front
Look Higher!
When distressed by others
And happiness is brief
Look Higher!
When discouraged by the way
And all our hope is lost
Look Higher!
We are life
We are joy
We are love
It feels so good to be able to look back at the past six months, since March when I had an adverse reaction to a life situation, and I was finally able to say ‘Enough’. And so I went all out on making positive choices and change to my life. (Thank you Zoloft, Calm app, Toastmasters, diploma of Graphic Design).
And here I am. Something happened on Friday that would normally have been a major trigger for me. In previous days I would have been a hopeless mess, struggling to deal with my non-existent self-esteem, and placing everyone higher than myself.
I’ve had a passing thought this weekend, what about the trigger on Friday? Shouldn’t I be upset about it? Shouldn’t I be struggling to cope?
And yet all that happens, is that it is a passing thought. I can see clearly that when people don’t act in a way we wish them to act, it is sometimes doing us a great favor. We are being saved from further pain. I am able to move on quickly to the next happy thought. Something that is uplifting and positive. And that’s a wonderful, wonderful place to be in.
I have hope!
I had babies once, they were so sweet! I loved having newborns, such a precious time, I would have had ten if I could!
For the past two months I’ve been practicing meditation and mindfulness. It has been helpful in so many ways. Learning more about myself. Accepting myself. Having compassion.
Yesterday I had a relapse into negative behavior. I reacted in a way that is so typical of how I would normally react, an unwanted reaction that offers short-term relief with negative undesired consequences. So this morning I have been doubling up on my meditation.
And what I love is that there is help! There is strength. A relapse is part of being human. It is not an abnormal, evil condition that dooms us into drowning in the deepest ocean. It is okay. It is to be expected. And what is important is forgive ourselves, get back up and have a renewed step.
Be thankful for those who help us even if we do not like the help they offer. Have gratitude for this miracle called life.
And to live each day, not in abject aberration for our shortcomings and weaknesses, but to accept them, be comfortable in our discomfort, strive to be stronger, and to love.
Battles are a part of us
They walk with us every day
Hand in hand
I used to fear my battles
Hiding behind corners and tears
And obsessive behavior
Anything to avoid those battles that defeat
This morning I realized
They are nothing to be scared of
We may fall
We may stumble
We may be defeated
We may be tormented
But we are Life!
We can get up
We can stand
We can obtain victory
We can survive
And just when we do
It might happen all over again
And it will!
Because we are
Life
Dark shadows raise their head
Creeping out of the wooden beams of my fragile existence
Taking a few steps into the sun, I trip over those shadows that have devoured me in my past
Reducing me to a shell of empty space and a universe of internal strife
Mixed messages emanate from my being as I fight a battle and yet submit on the very next breath
Black shadows go away! Dark shadows, if you please, No, rather, evil shadows, I demand (!) let me be!
I fight a battle with myself every night and every day, and even though my victories are many, it is the losses that loom large, that rise up as a monster in the middle of the night and threaten to eat my alive. I desire what I can’t have, and when it is on offer I push away. I am my worst enemy, and only on brief occasions am I my best friend.
Poems and Petals 