The sun woke me up, but I failed to find the light insight. Dark shadowed all the corners I could not see past dawn or day. I curled up tight and hid away, oh please can someone wave a wand? I wish away this pain and grief, this never-ending stinking well.
As much as I try to escape it
It creeps up on me, you know
I have nowhere to hide
I have nowhere to go
I feel so helpless
There is no hope
Black covers all
I see no light
In the dark
I give up the
I am sinking
Further further further down
Darkness surrounds me
It’s all around
I’m trying to breath
My air is cut
Joy is dead
I have nothing left
Don’t make me drown
Under under underneath
The sun is rising
And yet it’s dark
The birds are singing
And still it’s stark
The sky is grey
When it should be blue
l feel I should be happy
But no, I’m like old glue
Yet life should be joyful
I gave so much
Yet the vacuum is imposing
I am my own crutch
The black dog is relentless
So insistent to be pattered
Another day has gone
It’s like it never mattered
My pain is a delicate globe, carefully held between my hands.
I will use it to channel energy, sharpen focus, and to change.
My sorrow is nudging me. Am I listening?
Speak! I am here, my eyes can see, my ears can hear. My soul can feel.
I hear you. I am not afraid.
Sadness open the way! Lead me and I will go.
I have no right to feel as black as I do
I have no right to see no light
When birds sing me awake
After a quiet night
I have no right.
For the past year, I have been on a very light medication for depression. I started as an experiment to see whether changes – if any – would occur.
For years I had been subject to the condition of my mind. It seemed to have complete power over me – I was on a down hill roller coaster that never went up.
Sure I would have better days and could still enjoy a sense of humor at times, but on the whole, I would often be obsessing over life in general and writing poetry, a lot of poetry.
In the past year, my life has had a complete makeover. I am studying graphic design, a course which I would never have considered doing previously, and to my amazement I really love it.
I joined Toastmasters and spoke in front of a room-filled audience.
And. After never believing I would ever find another job, or thinking I was even worthy of same, I am in a new job. That I found on my own, in a completely new industry, with a clean fresh slate.
Today I find myself in Japan. A couple of days into my trip, I decided to stop my medication. Because who needs it when on holiday? And before I knew it, my mind starting obsessing. I know the feeling well. Being pulled back inside my mind to where there is darkness, anxiety and fear. To a place where there is no light at all, and happiness is an elusion. Within a couple more days my poetry came back. This was a sure sign for me. Poetry is my outlet from mental chains.
I am so glad to know this condition is not cast in stone. I don’t need to live there anymore. I can be totally present and enjoy and appreciate each moment.
If it takes medication in order to do this, I am so thankful that there is indeed help on hand.
Long term readers of my blog will know that I have suffered migraines for many years. I have been getting headaches and / or migraines every single month for at least the past twenty years or so (except during my two full-term pregnancies).
But for the past two months I have had no migraines at my regular time. I started light anti-depressant medication towards the end of March. So far I have not missed a day.
So I can see from my personal experience, that there does seem to be a link between depression and migraines. Even insofar that they can perhaps be treated by the same medication.
I feel like I have been given a new life. I am feeling positive. I am obsessing less. I feel strong enough to make career decisions.
On the downside, my poetry is diminishing. It is evaporating from my mind. I put this down to my decrease in obsession. My mind is ruminating less, and therefore less poetry.
However, I see this as a positive thing!
On Friday I encountered two situations that would have triggered meltdowns. Not one meltdown, but I would have gone straight from one into another. Things that happened that are my trigger points for sure. Those situations – a comment from someone, a fear of missing out, of rejection, of abandonment came rushing to the fore.
But I am healed and healing. If I ever wondered if I needed to be on medication, now I can testify how much it has helped. I was able to acknowledge those situations, identify that they are trigger points for me, that they would have had power over me in the previous days, and set them aside. Continue with my day.
I have been reduced so many times in the past to tears. The trigger points that invoke a pain inside that shortcut any rational thought. I would be overcome. But on Friday I was not overcome. And it felt good. Empowering.
Every day I am growing stronger.
The tip of my brush dips into the
Pot of thick black sticky paint
To smear across my face and
Skin and flesh, blocking out
Everything that causes my
Paining heart to cry
Is death a
I paint some more.