The Black Dog

The sun is rising

And yet it’s dark

The birds are singing

And still it’s stark

The sky is grey

When it should be blue

l feel I should be happy

But no, I’m like old glue

Yet life should be joyful

I gave so much

Yet the vacuum is imposing

I am my own crutch

The black dog is relentless

So insistent to be pattered

Another day has gone

It’s like it never mattered

(Anonymous Poet)

Help On Hand

For the past year, I have been on a very light medication for depression. I started as an experiment to see whether changes – if any – would occur.

For years I had been subject to the condition of my mind. It seemed to have complete power over me – I was on a down hill roller coaster that never went up.

Sure I would have better days and could still enjoy a sense of humor at times, but on the whole, I would often be obsessing over life in general and writing poetry, a lot of poetry.

In the past year, my life has had a complete makeover. I am studying graphic design, a course which I would never have considered doing previously, and to my amazement I really love it.

I joined Toastmasters and spoke in front of a room-filled audience.

And. After never believing I would ever find another job, or thinking I was even worthy of same, I am in a new job. That I found on my own, in a completely new industry, with a clean fresh slate.

Today I find myself in Japan. A couple of days into my trip, I decided to stop my medication. Because who needs it when on holiday? And before I knew it, my mind starting obsessing. I know the feeling well. Being pulled back inside my mind to where there is darkness, anxiety and fear. To a place where there is no light at all, and happiness is an elusion. Within a couple more days my poetry came back. This was a sure sign for me. Poetry is my outlet from mental chains.

I am so glad to know this condition is not cast in stone. I don’t need to live there anymore. I can be totally present and enjoy and appreciate each moment.

If it takes medication in order to do this, I am so thankful that there is indeed help on hand.

Depression and Migraines

Long term readers of my blog will know that I have suffered migraines for many years.  I have been getting headaches and / or migraines every single month for at least the past twenty years or so (except during my two full-term pregnancies).

But for the past two months I have had no migraines at my regular time. I started light anti-depressant medication towards the end of March. So far I have not missed a day.

So I can see from my personal experience, that there does seem to be a link between depression and migraines. Even insofar that they can perhaps be treated by the same medication.

I feel like I have been given a new life. I am feeling positive. I am obsessing less. I feel strong enough to make career decisions.

On the downside, my poetry is diminishing. It is evaporating from my mind. I put this down to my decrease in obsession. My mind is ruminating less, and therefore less poetry.

However, I see this as a positive thing!

 

Growing Stronger

On Friday I encountered two situations that would have triggered meltdowns. Not one meltdown, but I would have gone straight from one into another. Things that happened that are my trigger points for sure. Those situations – a comment from someone, a fear of missing out, of rejection, of abandonment came rushing to the fore.

But I am healed and healing. If I ever wondered if I needed to be on medication, now I can testify how much it has helped. I was able to acknowledge those situations, identify that they are trigger points for me, that they would have had power over me in the previous days, and set them aside. Continue with my day.

I have been reduced so many times in the past to tears. The trigger points that  invoke a pain inside that shortcut any rational thought. I would be overcome. But on Friday I was not overcome. And it felt good. Empowering.

Every day I am growing stronger.