Sliced

Reaching into the drawer

The most exquisite pain 

Jarred through my body 

As blood stained every

Contact in its flow

My finger is sliced 

My body is scarred 

My mind knows pain 

Beautiful 

I love this song. But only realized now I’ve never seen the video of it.

Oh for James Blunt to sing I’m beautiful. Yes, please!

Right Doors Are Key!

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I cannot say I am big on plans. My personality is way too passive for plan-making. Usually I just drift along, waiting for life to happen, and hoping (and praying) for the best. Generally it has worked okay for me. It has given me my not-too-shabby life, but not an-overly-exciting life either. Just a bit of a comfort-zone-type of life. With poetry (and writing in general) being my very-much-needed outlet (yay for poetry). I digress. Sometimes, plans are good.

In their place. Because you know what they say about plans. (Actually, what do they say about plans? BRB, Google is my friend). Got it, this is what they say about plans:

Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.

Well, atm I am busy making plans. Oh, there is something else they say about plans:

Plans are nothing, planning is everything.

So this is getting a bit deep. What I really want to say is this.

Sometimes we really need a plan. Or at least I really need a plan. Something tangible I can obsess about. Keep me up at night. Distract me. And I have a plan(!).

Because everyone at some point in their lives needs a plan (my quote, you’re welcome)

I signed up for a Udemy course (yay Udemy, yay Max Schwarzmuller, yay Angular2). About 18 hours of knockout material to keep me busy, learning, upskilling, and generally being distracted. Of course 18 hours will be morphing into about 180, but sometimes needs must. And then we will make further plans from there. Or at least start knocking on doors. And hoping for doors to open. Not just any windows or doors. The right doors. To open. Right doors are key!

Pi


I went on an interview once. It was our first year of marriage and we were on vacation in the U.K. A friend of mine managed to secure for me an interview at a British-based firm. One thing about me. I can always get the job done. But sometimes I need external sources. Use what I can with what I have. Google. Books. Peers. Whatever. That’s what resources are there for. To be used. Because resources.

This particular interview went particularly bad. Perhaps, in a way, they were trying to sift the English-speakers from the not-so-English speakers. Because I had to do a test. And one of the questions was, explain a paper clip. Now, I could see the paper clip in my mind, I could see how it should be used, but for the life of me, I could not at the time figure out how, even in my native language, to explain a paper clip? Words failed. Completely. A thin piece of wire twisted and turned and coiled to hold paper together? Nah, nope, not happening.

Next question. What is the value of pi. Omigosh! I learnt math at school and was good at it, but that was many years ago, and right now, right here, on vacation, without google (in fact, this was pre-google days) I could not think of the correct value of pi. 22 divide by 7? And approximate to something? Words fail. 

So it is with great pleasure that my son is able to recite pi correctly to the 120th decimal point. Winning the class competition and chocolates to do so. It might be a small achievement. But at least for a mother who failed miserably at some random interview test (thereby not getting the job or opportunity to move to the UK), there is a son who definitely knows his pi. 

Miscarriage

I felt warmth between my thighs

And instinctively I knew 

Red blood spreading between my legs

Betraying the life forming within

I made it home just as the pain 

Began to tear my body apart 

Kneeling on the floor 

I prayed for death 

Each contraction causing me to 

Yell out in pain 

I cried for help

I called for help 

And when help finally arrived 

My baby was gone 

Union

We made love

So perfectly and passionately

And your body and my body

Fitted together like two pieces

Of a puzzle and after that 

While I was still dreamy 

You disappeared

Leaving me to myself 

And so I did the only thing

I could think of to do

I got busy 

And changed the sheets 

Removing any touch any scent

Any last lingering of you

Except your seed was 

Already inside me 

And growing 

On Being Envious and Content


I have been struggling with envy the past few weeks. It is the easiest thing to fall into. There will always be someone who has more than we have naturally. We do not even have to look very far to find someone who will have more than we have. Sometimes it is not even natural things that they may have more of, sometimes it can be who they are. More leadership qualities, more energy, more friends, more personality.

Any of these things, if we feel we are lacking in certain areas, may easily cause us to become envious.

Envy is hard to overcome. It can be hard to overlook those trigger points, and get to a place where we can honestly say we are not envious. 

Envy is the complete opposite of contentment. We can never be envious And be content at the same time. They are two extremes. At the one end desiring something we do not have, and at the other end, being completely satisfied with what we Do have. And we all have. We are all alive. We are all breathing. While we are alive, we have.

So my goal for tomorrow is to pray for contentment. If, impossible in my own strength, then to God be the glory. Through Christ we can be content. Keep our eyes on the one true living God, for therein lies our peace.  

What I need 

Is a plan 

So starting today

I have a plan 

To change my life 

To how it needs to be

Which is to utilize my skills 

To create a better me