On itself and on myself
I reach past the barbed
Wire capturing my freedom
And the harder I reach, the closer
The wire encroaches on my well-being
Threatening to destroy my world, my life
And all of me
I never stood a chance
Never could have
With an exposed heart
Of tender flesh
And no shell to protect –
It was there for the taking
I will hold my heart
In tender hands
I will wrap my heart
In silken cloth
I will protect
My most sacred self
That was ravaged
By a spineless wolf
I’m okay and not okay
I’m waiting for the winds
To carry me away
To mountains high
Or valleys low
My eyes cry tears
My heart weeps too
For pain and loss
And constant sorrow
Time goes by
To steal the child
And turn us ever
Older, wiser
Until a time
The ticking stops
Forever
My first full time position was a pretty cool graduate position at IBM. Yes. That IBM. I managed to land this plum position partly because I studied a computer degree and so I qualified for it, and partly because of the interview. I quite confidently assured the executive director (or whatever important title he had), that yes I do have weaknesses, and one being that I am an alcoholic. (What I really meant to say is I am a workaholic).
He was shocked, and so was I. It was awkward. I blushed like a tomato, and above all of this it was funny. No, I am definitely not an alcoholic. No, not me.
And so I got the job. And I started. And I hated it. I did not fit in. I was placed into a business strategy team (or something), and not a technical team. There didn’t seem to be any technical teams, only sales and marketing and business-related stuff. I needed technical.
My mother died suddenly, and so without having anyone to disappoint, I left. I did so without having another job lined up. I didn’t care. I left at the end of July, and on 1 September I started a new job. A job I loved.
For the time it lasted.
Colors merge into one
Images melted from
Memories
Running with the wind
Into your embrace –
A moment
Rushing with the thrill
Kissing with passion
I remember
My heart tears
For every whip
That lashed
Across tender
Skin
My eyes well
For every slice
That cut
Across delicate
Layers
I cry
For every time
I made myself
Worth less
Without the magic
Of the highest highs
And the lowest lows
The waiting, anticipating,
Hoping, thrilling
To be remembered
To be kissed
To be loved
Each day morphs into night
Each night morphs into day
My life is without light
My heart is without hope
My flesh is without fantasy
And the most powerful magic is
Illusion
He’s lost to me –
My heart is as empty as
An ever-expanding hole of
The blackest space
He is dead to me
And yet my mind cannot comprehend
My flesh cannot accept
My dreams cannot understand
That he is gone from me
And never coming back