Sometimes the first cut really is the deepest
The blood is redder, more vibrant, gushing
The pain is more bitter and raw
And then after more cuts follow
Cut after cut after cut after cut
Once previous tender flesh
Is scarred over and over again
And when taking the time
To stop and notice
There is no more pain.
I am free from the past
I am free from the pain
I am free from your charms
I am free from your arms
I am free from the rollercoaster
The pain and the joys
The ups and the downs
And the highs and the lows
The buckle opened up
I took a step off
And after the fall
I wept on the floor
I wept and I prayed
I wept and I pained
And when it was over
For over it was
I stood back up
I gave it my all
I am standing again
I am standing
Once more
What is it about closure that is so satisfying
Is it the pain that stabbed when I
Read the one line I never wanted to read
The painful words I never wanted to hear
The brutal rejection that cut through me
The psychotic behavior that forced a result
That pushed your boundaries and
Pushed until finally you could take no more
Until finally you could take a stand
Until finally all the superficial niceties
The false fake sweet kind words
Evaporated
Fell away
And all that remained was a defiant
Rejection of all things that are me
What is it that is so satisfying
That shuts me down
That stills my conflict
And allows me to rest?
I wish I knew
I wish it wasn’t so
But now it’s over
I am full with a perverse satisfaction
That bears no apologetic shame
And finally I can
Heal.
The sweetest
Cruel addiction broke me apart
Leaving me with the lingering taste
Of a forbidden kiss
Craving more I turned on you
Turned on everything we had before
And now I’m broken
Torn in two
There’s nothing left for me to do
But tie my hands
And seal my mouth
Slice my fingers
And still my tongue
I ache
I crave
I desire
I lust
And at the end
There’s nothing left
There’s nothing left
But grainy sand
A shattered rock
And strands of
Dust
The tip of my brush dips into the
Pot of thick black sticky paint
To smear across my face and
Skin and flesh, blocking out
Everything that causes my
Paining heart to cry
Unceasingly.
Is death a
Better
Option?
I paint some more.
I feel sick to my core
When I remember your tender eyes
Your tender hands
Your kisses
Your smile
I feel sick to my core
Remembering places and feelings
Excitement
Pulsing
I cannot even understand
How you were never mine
How you loved but didn’t
How you ghosted every time
And even though I wish
I had never laid eyes on you
I wish more
That you could have loved me
I don’t understand
I cannot understand
That you didn’t
How could you have loved me
The way you did so fully
But not loved me?
He’s lost to me –
My heart is as empty as
An ever-expanding hole of
The blackest space
He is dead to me
And yet my mind cannot comprehend
My flesh cannot accept
My dreams cannot understand
That he is gone from me
And never coming back
I will try
Try and forget
All the words
Said to hurt
Said to pain
Said to scar
I will try
Try and forget
Your eyes
Your arms
Your kiss
I will try
Try and forget
Times we shared
Times we spoke
Times together
When all it was
Was an emptiness
A meaningless –
An empty love
I am filled with so much pain
A torment sitting right behind my eyes
Threatening to push out the well of tears
I hold back the gates, force them to stay closed
A lone drop escapes and falls
Leaving a smudge against the
Solitary pillow
Reaching into the drawer
The most exquisite pain
Jarred through my body
As blood stained every
Contact in its flow
My finger is sliced
My body is scarred
My mind knows pain
