For the past year, I have been on a very light medication for depression. I started as an experiment to see whether changes – if any – would occur.
For years I had been subject to the condition of my mind. It seemed to have complete power over me – I was on a down hill roller coaster that never went up.
Sure I would have better days and could still enjoy a sense of humor at times, but on the whole, I would often be obsessing over life in general and writing poetry, a lot of poetry.
In the past year, my life has had a complete makeover. I am studying graphic design, a course which I would never have considered doing previously, and to my amazement I really love it.
I joined Toastmasters and spoke in front of a room-filled audience.
And. After never believing I would ever find another job, or thinking I was even worthy of same, I am in a new job. That I found on my own, in a completely new industry, with a clean fresh slate.
Today I find myself in Japan. A couple of days into my trip, I decided to stop my medication. Because who needs it when on holiday? And before I knew it, my mind starting obsessing. I know the feeling well. Being pulled back inside my mind to where there is darkness, anxiety and fear. To a place where there is no light at all, and happiness is an elusion. Within a couple more days my poetry came back. This was a sure sign for me. Poetry is my outlet from mental chains.
I am so glad to know this condition is not cast in stone. I don’t need to live there anymore. I can be totally present and enjoy and appreciate each moment.
If it takes medication in order to do this, I am so thankful that there is indeed help on hand.
On Friday I encountered two situations that would have triggered meltdowns. Not one meltdown, but I would have gone straight from one into another. Things that happened that are my trigger points for sure. Those situations – a comment from someone, a fear of missing out, of rejection, of abandonment came rushing to the fore.
But I am healed and healing. If I ever wondered if I needed to be on medication, now I can testify how much it has helped. I was able to acknowledge those situations, identify that they are trigger points for me, that they would have had power over me in the previous days, and set them aside. Continue with my day.
I have been reduced so many times in the past to tears. The trigger points that invoke a pain inside that shortcut any rational thought. I would be overcome. But on Friday I was not overcome. And it felt good. Empowering.
Every day I am growing stronger.
Six weeks on happy pills, and this is what I can say. I am laughing more. Like actually laughing. Today I said something to a colleague, and I used the wrong word, and it was really funny. I laughed! And I’m smiling more. It seems easier to smile. It seems easier to be upbeat. To have a cheerful disposition.
I have contacted a life coach, and meeting her on Monday. Small, positive steps to lead the life I want to lead. A life of fulfillment and happiness and joy and positivity. All things good!
Lights turn off Turn on Turn off
Ghost eyes Ghost kisses Ghost memories
My arms My body My legs
As they devour
And turn into
I have no idea
How to erase the gloom
The dull ache that sits on my heart
Like a thick heavy fog
Unable to move
Beams of light force their way
Through the blanket of clouds
To reach the earth and shine
Light on life, clearing the fog
I’ve been on medication for five weeks today. I still have anxiety and my obsessive thoughts, but I noticed something yesterday.
My nails have grown! Normally they get to a certain length, less than what they currently are, and I tear them off in a state of anxiety. Usually when I’m at work and struggling with something. I know. It’s disgusting. A bad habit. This past week I have been under time pressure and trying to learn something. But I still have my nails.
Is it because of the happy pills? I’m not sure. Maybe it is!
A gray fog hangs over me
I try to run
I try to hide
I try to escape
But the faster I go
The blacker the cloud becomes
Today I am running away from
The black shadow that threatens to
Eat my alive and
Eat me whole
And so I hide in the confines of my
Heart fearing my mind and its
My mind starts to
Melt like a candle burning
Under the heat of a flame
A waiting game
Until it solidifies back into
A mind I can
My mind closes rank
On itself and on myself
I reach past the barbed
Wire capturing my freedom
And the harder I reach, the closer
The wire encroaches on my well-being
Threatening to destroy my world, my life
And all of me