Armed with a naked courage and a certain level of tenacity that has weathered me well, I step forth into this day. Fearing what will be and fearing what will not, I pull my shoulders back and flick my hair off my face so it falls effortlessly around my neck. Soft scents of my perfume waft across my face and in that moment I absolutely resolve. will not cry. If my world crumbles around my feet, I will position myself on top the heap and honor all that was and all that will still be.
And I will not cry.
If I had known beforehand what I know now, would my footsteps have been any different? I walked in faith and so it must be, in faith I must continue to walk. What will be will always be, and what will not be will never be.
For now my head rests against a pillow and there is nothing more to be said or done but for my eyes to close and my soul to pray.
And I know my Lord will hold me tight. For now and all through this long and treacherous night.
My chest is constricting so much that I cannot breath. My heart is freezing like the water turning to ice on a mid-winters morn. For a few random breaths I was as happy as I would ever be and I had faith in the realm in which I was held.
Tomorrow I find out my fate. Will I be gone or will I live another day?
To survive the night is a bitter torment and my flesh writhes in agony. Is there anywhere else I can be?
I fear not. The demons of the night are here to torment. When I fall asleep my dreams are nightmares. I wake to only find another one awaits.
To feel the pain inside
It’s okay to watch the
It’s okay to hear the thunder
It’s okay to feel alone
It’s okay when all the wold is
And we cannot see our way
For when the rain has dried
The clouds have cleared
The sun will shine again.
I celebrate my strength
My resolve in creating a better self
And though I pain inside –
My old comfort lost forever
I cannot now go back.
Onward I go.
Old winds fly by forever
Never to be captured or contained
The trick is to
Accept nature at her word:
Fresh winds bring fresh
Patience is key.
The pain and whippings and self-flagellation our minds can inflict on our own selves is greater than any mountain we dare to conjure up.
At times like these, when our suffering is deep and sore and painful, it is wise to acknowledge our own lack of mercy and rather instead, to wrap our selves in love.
Because we were created. We were hand-crafted.
And while we still breath, we are life.
How to cope when you don’t know how to cope?
Stop the stories.
Stop the projections
Stop the comparisons.
And simply do
What needs to be done today.
I made a decision to change my life and now it feels crazy weird and I feel crazy weird and nothing feels normal anymore and so I need to get used to a new normal. I dare not look back because there is nothing to look back to.