I Need To Think

A gigantic wall is in front of me. Blocking my way. I need to get to the other side. I need to get to paradise.

I look behind and the earth has fallen away.

I look to the left, and as my heart sinks, I fear my right, knowing what to expect.

The sun beats me, as it gets hold of my skin. The crystal blue sky is beautiful and merciless with the absence of any cloud.

There is no shade.

Paradise is just past the wall. That gigantic barrier blocking my way.

And so I wonder. I question.

How do I get over it. I have no ladder. I cannot climb. My hands are small and I am not strong.

How do I get over it. While my skin burns and my heart races, I sit myself down.

I need to think.


My chest is constricting so much that I cannot breath. My heart is freezing like the water turning to ice on a mid-winters morn. For a few random breaths I was as happy as I would ever be and I had faith in the realm in which I was held.

Tomorrow I find out my fate. Will I be gone or will I live another day?

To survive the night is a bitter torment and my flesh writhes in agony. Is there anywhere else I can be?

I fear not. The demons of the night are here to torment. When I fall asleep my dreams are nightmares. I wake to only find another one awaits.

Mondays are Mine

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Must Not Fail.”

In the few months before I met my husband I was requested by ex-colleagues to join a startup company. I was between projects so was not busy at work. I decided to go for it, receiving a good increase in the process. From the first day I knew it was not going to be for me. At times I would be left in a small office by myself with no one to talk to, and systems to learn. I’ve always worked in an open-plan office. I am somewhat reserved so it is not that I spend my time chatting to the others or making heaps of friends, but I like having people around me. To put me in an empty space for hours on end is never going to give me warm fuzzy feelings. I learnt the software and persevered. There were defects in the software that made it difficult to work with. Being the only engineer, I ended up working days, nights and weekends. My stress levels rocketed. My nails were torn off, nerves shot.
In the meantime my role at my previous company had been filled. I remember getting a phone call from the new engineer asking me about some code.
One day, after six months of this elevated pressure, I had enough. The system kept on randomly crashing, and I couldn’t deliver to the clients. My nerves gave out and I couldn’t go on. I started crying and could not stop. I was 25 and had no support system. There was no one in the world I could turn to. I had met someone and starting dating him. I was so fond of him, thought the world of him. He eventually couldn’t handle a manic-me, falling apart and turning into a crazy lady. He left. I was devastated. More tears. My mother had passed away a few years back, and my grandmother whom I was very close to had also recently passed away. It was me on my own. I called my previous manager. Do you have work for me please? Yes, come and see me tomorrow, he replied. I did, and after a short break I went back. On the first day of my return I met my replacement. He had a lovely smile. But when I tried to chat to him he just kept busy. Oh well. Leave him be. He’s busy, I get it. And my heart’s just been broken I’m not interested in men anyway. This was in the October. In the January we started working on a project together. The following January we got married. But I haven’t changed companies since then. I continued to work for the same company in Australia. They were partly responsible for my relocation. And I’m still there. I guess I’m too scared to leave. Last year I had enough, seven years in Sydney and it’s time. It was offered that I take an extended break, with my position still held. So I did, I had four months being a stay-at-home Mum and loved it. And I only work four days a week, Mondays are mine, it’s a privilege I don’t want to give up!

Two Right Feet

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Two Right Feet.”

I woke up this morning
With a pain in my chest
And a fear in my heart
That all’s not well, not well
The stress is rising
Panic is starting
I need to calm, I need to breathe
Just breathe okay, just breathe
In and out, and in and out
That’s all I have to do
I want to scream, I want to flee
I want to fly away
From this body, from my world
I want to run away
Close your eyes, just close them now
Now’s the time to pray