There is no one to help me
There is no one to save
There is no one to turn to
When I feel myself crave
Temptations flow freely
They never give in
Seduce and entice me
To taste of the sin
Of flesh and sweet fantasy
The taunt of our lives
I will try and erase
All your cheap spoken lies.
Powerless to do what is right
Powerless to get strength from the light
Powerless to smile through my pain
Powerless to escape the cold rain
Powerless to stop my heart bleed
Powerless I fall to my knees
There is power in weakness
I have to believe.
I absolutely cannot be
In two places
Simultaneously
I wish I was there
I find myself here
Where I should be
So I lift my chin
I stand up straight
And I take my very next
Step.
I closed a door and opened a new one to
Magical unexplored worlds of bravery
Courage
Fortitude
My sick body holds my heart
Shattered into infinite pieces
I wish to be everywhere but find
I am nowhere
My heart that was tender and soft
Is in parts.
I will
Dive
Down
Deep
Past
All my fears
My insecurities
My failures
I will
Swim
Through all my
Layers
Until I reach
That tiny
Hidden place
Of
Love
And acceptance
And peace
I will breathe it all in
And bring it to the
Surface
To shine.
I entered the room and saw him sitting on my bed. His face stony and humorless. Before I could wonder, my eyes dropped to the book in his hands. My book. My journal. Expressing my most intimate thoughts and feelings and desires. Recorded by my own hand. By myself and only for myself. You’ve betrayed me, he accused me glaringly. I can’t believe what you have written.
I apologized for the evil in me. I cried and pleaded and wished it away.
Only now do I realize:
He betrayed me.
I accelerated as fast as I could. I needed to get to him before it was too late. The thick heavy gates could be closed and there would be no way in. I sat at the wheel and urged myself to go faster. Faster! After a lifetime had passed, I pulled up at the entrance. He was there! I ran to him and pleaded. I’m so sorry for anything I may have done. Please forgive me. Please love me. All shreds of dignity vanished along with the day as I presented myself to him. With a coldness that pained me more than any scolding could ever do, he told me to leave and never return. It’s over.
Over.
I was only a child, really, with a right to be protected. Cherished even. Before I could blink, my head whipped back as my neck rotated. My young skin etched with a searing pain. I was pushed into complicity and wished my life away. Not yet double digits of age and already the wrath of man written on me. A fear of man’s temper and what it can do.
‘Don’t make me beg’, I pleaded as I began a descent of neediness that had no way out and only a descent of anguish and despair.
‘Lift me please’, I begged in my helplessness and hopelessness.
There was no compassion.
I was left to die.
I try to cling on to a hazy puff of smoke; but as I watch the trail breeze into the wind and away from me, I know that I am getting what I deserve, an infinity of emptiness, and it is everything I deserve.
Poems and Petals 