A few days ago, I was upset at a comment a friend sent to me in an email. I consulted with a trusted friend (BFF!), and responded in a fashion that gave me the upper hand. In the middle of the night I woke up, and in that dream-like state, I sent a note flipping the situation around. Restoring dignity to another, and making myself less. I have spent the most of today wondering why did I do that? Why did I give the other person the upper hand, at the expense of my own ego? My ego would prefer to hold the power. Now after reflection, I am soulfully glad. I am not a mean person. I don’t enjoy seeing others suffer. My reaction to a situation in a half-asleep state is a reflection of who I inherently am. And when ego is set aside, it is who I would rather be. Peace be unto others, and peace be unto myself.
Category personal
Finding Peace
My moods have been up and down lately. Trying to talk myself into a better space, but always fighting this inner discontent. Have no idea how to fix it. I went to the cinema with my BFF this morning, we watched BoyChoir, I really loved the music. We had lunch with her mum. It was lovely. But as soon as I was alone, it all came tumbling back. My discord, disharmony, my struggle with life. What will make me happy? Is it really about happiness? Or an inner contentment, a spiritual peace? I seem to have none of these.
Very thankful for all the kind souls who have reached out, and left a kind word. Even written poems. From all different parts of the world, and varying life stories. We all have our own journey to walk. I am so blessed in many ways, it feels unthankful to have this feeling inside of me. This feeling I cannot seem to shake. It is there when I go to sleep, and when I wake up. When I live my day, when I am busy, and when I am still. Even now as I go about my daily tasks (work-free Monday), I cannot shake it off. And I have no more poetry! I cannot write another poem on ups and downs, and my roller coaster life.
And the worst part is, a caring friend asked me today — Vonita, what will make you happy? I have no idea! (A new life? No life? A new profession? Work? No work?) My moods were stable when I was on a four-month break. I was a different person. Content, happy, doing pilates, writing, photo challenges, focus-on-family. Now I have strife, turmoil, anxiety, stress, lack of time, focus-off-family, chaos.
My answer to what will make me happy? I have no idea. Write about it until I am dead in the grave. Pray. Get on my knees, and pray for contentment. A spiritual peace is not always about being happy.
Maybe I will put the poetry aside for awhile, and free write?
❤
Poems and Petals 